Gut churning, anxiety spiking, and mind swimming, I clenched my teeth. The same way I’d done when Bodhi phoned me a minute ago telling me that Harmony was here, at the hotel, and alone in her suite. When he told me that they were leaving in the morning and I had one night to make things right, I thanked him profusely and raced out of my room.
Though I knew that Harmony would be appalled, sickened, and never forgive me, I owed her the truth. But finding the courage to confess my sins was harder than leaving my band brothers—letting them down—to get clean and sober in rehab. Harder than growing up in a fucking shrine of possessions without love.
It was overwhelming how effortlessly Harmony had awaked emotions I thought were long dead. I physically and mentally ached to shower her with the love she’d resurrected. But filling her with false hope, without her knowing the truth, was nothing but cruel and inhumane. She needed to know what I was capable of so she could save herself and walk away of her own volition.
Like a coward, I dragged my eyes from hers and stared out the window. I couldn’t stomach seeing her reaction when I ripped my black soul open and showed her the ugliness.
As my mind skipped back in time, I dragged in a deep breath. “Four and a half years ago, I was living the dream. Life was perfect. Our latest album had gone double platinum in less than a week. We’d snagged nearly every rock award at the Grammys and were supposed to fly to London a few months later to start another European tour.
“I was home in Chicago when I met a girl named Lily at a bar down the street. She was wild, spontaneous, and carefree, and I drank in those things about her like water. I envied her for being so free, for not having to grow up with a set of regimented rules and shit. We started dating and she took me to lots of parties and introduced me to a bunch of her friends. They all seemed nice, a little crazy like her, but they were regular people. A few weeks later, I asked her to move in.
“We’d been together a month or so when I accidently walked in on her while she was in the bathroom doing a line of coke off the marble sink. I had no idea she was doing drugs. I was pissed that she’d brought that shit into my house. Pissed that she’d hidden it from me. But mostly I was pissed at myself for being so fucking wrong about her. I told her to pack her things and leave.
“She cried and begged me to let her stay, promised me that she’d throw it all away and never use again. Lily swore that it was a one-time thing, that she was curious and wanted to try cocaine. And like a fool, I believed her, so I let her stay.”
Stomach churning, I closed my eyes and swallowed down the ball of guilt clogging my throat.
“A few months later, right before the guys and I were supposed to leave for London, a buddy of mine called. He’d just opened a bar and grill in a little town southeast of Rockford and invited me to come see the place. I couldn’t turn him down, so Lily and I hopped into my Ferrari and zoomed up the highway. We were laughing and joking and having a good time, until she leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. That’s when a packet of cocaine spilled out of her purse and landed on the console.”
Harmony gasped, but I didn’t look her way. I couldn’t. If I did, I’d never be able to push this confession off my