Every hair of mine prickled. Oh, fuck. I'd never even opened a condom wrapper before. At Drez's light prompting, his hands on my shoulders, I dropped to my knees in front of him. Eye level with his hard-on, I licked my lips once; twice. I'm going to mess this up. He's going to realize I don't know what I'm doing.
I'd been avoiding the fact that I hadn't yet told Drezden I was a virgin—that he'd been my first. Now, kneeling with a condom in hand, his eager face above, I faced a hard reality. I was never going to tell him, was I? The guilt wormed into my blood. I was going to just let it go and hope it never came up.
An impatient hand came down, stroking the top of my scalp. Closing my eyes, I squeezed the foil packet. “Drez?”
“Hm?” He was watching me, and from my angle, he looked like a beautiful angel. An angel who'd fallen so far from heaven he was swimming in liquid black sin.
“I—there's something I need to tell you.” My throat closed on my words, trying to keep them at bay. No, I can't avoid this. If anything is going to happen between Drez and me—anything meaningful—I have to tell him.
The hand on my head trailed down, sliding along the back of my ear. “I'm listening, Lola.”
Unable to meet his curious gaze, I focused on the condom in my hand. It was strangely heavy, I wanted to drop it and forget it. “I've never... well. I've never opened a condom before.”
Laughing, but not unkindly, Drez played with my hair. “Just tear it open.”
“No—I mean, I've never held one.” Heat built behind my eye sockets. Everything wobbled, congesting as I fought back humiliated tears. “Never touched one. Never had to even think about putting one on—on anyone.” I swallowed, tasting sour regret. “Ever. Until... you.”
Drezden went still, fingers locking in place on my head. His silence was torture, and if I wasn't such a coward, I would have looked up to see what he was doing. I was freed of the choice; he grabbed my chin while he simultaneously crouched in front of me. In his perfect green-mirror eyes, I saw my own pale sadness. “Lola,” he said flatly, “Are you trying to tell me I was the first guy you ever slept with?”
I swallowed loudly. “That's exactly what I mean. I'm so sorry, I should have said something before.”
“Why didn't you?”
Reaching up, I wiped at the corners of my eyes. “Fuck, I don't know. I was just nervous, and it happened so fast, and then I just... I just—” A hiccup interrupted me.
Pulling me close, Drezden crushed me against his chest, nose going into my hair. “Idiot. Why would I care if you were a virgin or not?”
Trying to control myself, I didn't hug him back. The hiccups jolted me, preventing me from fully calming down. “I don't know, Drez! I was just... just so fucking terrified that you'd want to stop because I didn't know how to do anything. You've been with more people than me, you're experienced, if I said you were my first maybe the pressure would have been too much and..."
Gruffly, he held me by my shoulders at a distance. The shock in his face scared off my hiccups. “How would you know how many people I've slept with?”
“I don't! You just—this morning—the whole running out of condoms thing.” I couldn't handle his staring anymore; I looked away. "If you ran out, it's because you use the damn things, right?"
“Shit. Lola,” he sighed, thumbing away a leftover tear from my cheek. “You're acting like I finished a whole box in the week before we met or something. It was one condom, because who doesn't want to be safe? You never know who you'll meet.”
He said that last part seriously. Lifting my eyes, I caught his meaning. He's talking about me. If he hadn't had that condom on him, would we have gone as far after our first show? Had he kept it in his wallet because he'd hoped... or planned... to sleep with me?
My laughter broke free, escaping my palm as I covered my mouth. It was ridiculous, I'd been so worked up over nothing. “I'm sorry, I really thought—”
“That I was some kind of man-whore,” he said, cutting me off. Arching one eyebrow, Drez ruffled my hair. “I don't even know if I'm insulted.”
I smiled weakly. It doesn't matter what he's done before,