“Did you see me pick up my phone yet, genius?” I muttered. Having a girlfriend was turning out to be a pain in my ass.
Marley: What the hell kind of an invitation was that?
“What did she say?” Uncle Max asked.
“She wants to know what the hell kind of an invitation was that.”
“How did you say it?” Mrs. Gurgevich asked.
“I told her you guys wouldn’t get off my back and she could maybe come over so you’d shut the hell up.”
Uncle Max stroked a hand through his beard. “You’re not very good at this,” he observed.
“It’s my first relationship! What do you want from me? Jeez!”
Mrs. Gurgevich was shaking her head sadly. “I really thought you’d be better at this.”
“And I really thought I’d be playing poker tonight, not sitting through some hen-pecking party.”
Floyd let out a chicken squawk.
Me: Please come over and hang out with my stupid friends. I’d love to have you. There’s bourbon-flavored beef jerky.
“What did you say back to her?” Bill asked.
“Is she coming?” Floyd asked.
Marley: You’re lucky my only other option was laundering the bed linens for my parents’ next Airbnb guest. Be there in ten.
Me: Bless you. P.S. They all think this is real so, you know, dress sexy and get ready to French kiss the hell out of me.
She responded with a middle finger emoji.
“Well?” Uncle Max demanded.
“Joke’s on you, jerks. Now we gotta quit playing so you can help me clean up.”
35
Marley
I don’t know what kind of place I expected Jake to live in. But it wasn’t the pretty brick two-story with big windows and wrap-around porch. My curiosity had been piqued when I picked him up last night. And now I was going to get to see behind the curtain. See how Jake Weston, former teenage rebel and current history teacher/cross-country coach, lived.
There was a tidy front lawn with a big maple tree and actual flower beds. Sure, they looked a little neglected, but the whole package still said “family home.” This was a place where people would gather for Thanksgiving and a girl would make an entrance on the stairs in a poufy dress on prom night.
This was not a bachelor pad designed to debauch women. Not a Jake Weston residence.
There was a freaking welcome mat at the front door. Next to it rested a pair of those five-finger running shoes that must have been too smelly to make their way inside.
I reached for the bell but paused when I heard a noise from within. It sounded like someone was dragging something heavy across the floor.
“We don’t have enough time to actually dust,” I heard Jake yell. “Just kinda blow the bigger dust bunnies under the furniture.”
“Hey, yo! What do you want us to do with the lo mein that’s stuck to the sink?”
Was that Floyd?
“Just chisel it off as best you can! And hurry up. She should be here any second!”
“You have any nudie magazines that need hiding?”
“If I knew I was going to be playing janitor, I would have stayed home tonight.”
“Just shut up and try to get some of the smears off the kitchen table, okay?”
What the hell was I walking into?
I pushed the bell, and several voices yelled “Come in!” at the same time.
Before I could turn the knob, the front door opened, and the foyer beyond filled with a mob of people.
“Um. Hi,” I said.
“Hey, Mars,” Jake said, muscling his way through their ranks to give me an awkward and out-of-breath peck on the cheek. He had a wet, dirty rag in one hand, and when I eyed it, he tossed it over his shoulder.
The bearded man behind him wearing a t-shirt that said Queer caught it in mid-air.
“Come on in,” Jake said, reeling me in like a fish. “I believe you know everyone except for my uncle. Uncle Max, this is my girlfriend Marley. Mars, this is—”
The bearded man yanked me out of Jake’s grip and gave me an enthusiastic hug. “You have made me so happy,” he said. “Now, I just need to take a quick selfie with you.”
“Oh, I, uh.”
Jake broke Max’s hold on me. “Uncle Max, let’s let her breathe for five seconds before you go rubbing Lewis’s nose in this.”
“He always thought you’d go gay in the end, but I knew all you needed was a special woman to get you to settle down,” Max said, tapping away smugly on his phone.
“My uncles are gay. They always assume everyone else is too,” Jake explained. “They were