of his nose like he was trying to ward off an aneurysm. I loved him so much it hurt to look at him.
“Marley,” he said again. “This is some mid-life crisis deal, isn’t it? You’re scared. So you think leaving’s the answer. You’re just painting a pretty picture about seeking your destiny. But spoiler alert, sweetheart. Hard losses don’t mean you’re in the wrong place.”
“Every job I’ve had. Every relationship I’ve had has ended. Badly. I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me so many times that it makes more sense to stay on the floor than stand back up.”
“What does that have to do with you and me?”
“I’m not supposed to be here, Jake. This isn’t what I want.”
“What do you want, Mars. Tell me. Enunciate clearly so I can get it through my thick head.”
“I don’t know! How does anyone know?”
“Then how do you know that this isn’t exactly what you want? Exactly where you’re supposed to be? How do you know that every shitty job, every crappy relationship, every mistake wasn’t leading you here to me? To those girls. To this town.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I was suddenly bone weary. My muscles ached, and the anger, the frustration I felt bubbled up and out, evaporating into the air between us. This wasn’t a choice I’d made. A job I’d earned. A relationship that started with boy meets girl. This was just another mess I’d created.
“This wasn’t even supposed to be real,” I said quietly.
“Bullshit. Maybe you fell for the fake label, but I knew from the start this was going to get real.”
“You did not!” I argued.
“Don’t tell me what I feel, Mars! I used to watch you in English class. You’d tuck your hair behind your ear, and I couldn’t stop staring at your neck, your ear, your fingers. As soon as I saw you again, it was still there.”
“Then why did you change your mind about Homecoming?” I shouted.
He blinked. “What the fuck are you talking about Homecoming?”
I held up my hands. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”
“You know what I wanna know?” Jake demanded. “I wanna know when you’re going to stop acting like high school ruined your entire life. When are you going to step up and be brave enough to find out what you really want? Not what your seventeen-year-old self wanted. Not what your sister wants or what you think your parents want. What the hell do you want, Mars?”
All I could cling to in this moment was what I’d been chasing my entire life. The important job. The necessary role. Making a difference. That’s what I held on to when things got rough. When things went from bad to worse. Every new start felt like it had the potential to be that thing that I needed.
But this wasn’t a new start. This was a crash landing, an agreement, a mutually beneficial, temporary arrangement.
How would I ever be important and needed here? In the town that I’d left in my dust twenty years ago. What would I be here? A gym teacher? A coach? A girlfriend? A daughter?
It wasn’t enough. I wouldn’t be enough. I was looking for the right role that would help me grow. Force me to shed my bad habits and finally become the strong, powerful, problem-solving woman I was destined to be. I would matter.
“Jake.” I said his name wearily. “I’m sorry. But this isn’t what I want.”
I saw his jaw muscle clench and release. Clench and release.
“I’m not what you want?”
“None of this is what I want. I need something different. I’m not going to become a better person here. I’m just constantly reminded of all my shortcomings over and over again. I want more.”
“I love you, Mars. I want more of this. More of you. You’ve made me a better person. Just look at what you’ve done for me. Look at this house.”
I couldn’t stand hurting him like this. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t. He was just confused.
“You cleaned your kitchen and got new curtains. That doesn’t mean you’re in love with me,” I said softly.
“You are so damn pigheaded,” he complained. “Do you think you’re unlovable? Unworthy as is?”
That’s exactly what I was.
76
Marley
I spent all day Saturday and Sunday on a blow-up mattress on the floor in Zinnia’s room. It was exactly what she hadn’t wanted. And judging by the twinge in my lower back every time I rolled over to cry on the other side of my