“I need to take a pregnancy test, then we can talk about taking me to see a doctor. As for taking care of me... I think you’re about to get more than you bargained for.”
Maren
THE THOUGHT OF being pregnant again, the idea of having a baby with a twenty-six-year-old recovering addict, wasn’t nearly as scary as it should be.
When I started to feel woozy and slightly off, I immediately recognized the signs that had been a precursor to my prior pregnancy. I didn’t necessarily get morning sickness, but throughout, I was exhausted and felt like my limbs weighed a thousand pounds.
That’s where I was now.
Tired all the time and afraid to be too hopeful, because as exciting as being pregnant would be, I still hadn’t forgotten what happened during the last pregnancy. That was what scared me. That incident was why I hadn’t said anything to Salinger when I started to have suspicions. Somewhere in my psyche, I believed if I didn’t acknowledge what was happening inside of my body, then I wouldn’t have to face the prospect of something going wrong.
I wasn’t sure I could go through another loss like that and keep my sanity intact.
Before mentioning my suspicion to Salinger or even calling Lennon to talk through my feelings, I decided I needed to tell my father what was going on. After all, he was the one who put me back together last time I fell apart. He was the one who would tell it to me straight, even if what he said wasn’t what I wanted to hear.
I knew I could rely on Salinger to have my back regardless of the outcome, but my dad was still the one I turned to for guidance when I was in over my head. He was the one who always managed to show me any sliver of light that might be found in what someone else might see as complete darkness.
I was thrilled to hear that he sounded like he was doing much better since getting out of the hospital. He told me he finally adjusted to his new diet and took the initiative to take better care of his health. He had started hiking around New Mexico and picked up a new hobby: taking pictures of the desert. He’d even met a woman around his age at a checkup visit with his cardiac specialist, and while he wouldn’t admit to dating, he brought her up more than once. I could tell he was fond of her. He even mentioned coming out to California to visit once I was done filming. For the first time in forever, he told me he missed me and was worried about me. He even thanked me for being so pushy after his health scare. He mentioned he forgot that he didn’t need to take care of himself for his own well-being, but also because I needed him around for as long as possible as well. It was all very sweet, and felt like the needle had finally moved in a positive direction in our relationship.
He gave me the perfect opening to tell him what I was currently struggling with.
The first thing I came clean about was the fact I’d been seeing Salinger pretty seriously for several months. I don’t know what I expected my father’s response to be, but excitement and support were nowhere on my expectations list.
My dad was all for me dating the guy who’d gone the extra step to win me over and refused to let me freeze him out of my life. Even though he didn’t know Salinger, he told me he knew he would treat me better than Erik had. When I told him that Salinger not only wrote the movie I was working on for me while he was in rehab, but he’d also that he had a crush on me for close to ten years, my father practically cheered. He asked if Salinger was the kind of guy who would stick by me if things went south, I had to admit that he was. Without a doubt.
My father told me it didn’t matter that Salinger was younger than me because the time he’d had me on his mind, and the years he put in the work to win me over counteracted the age gap. He reminded me that Erik was a few years older than me, and he hadn’t been able to think about anyone but himself. So, what was age