really going on. We’d work things out, and sooner rather than later, everything would go back to normal.
I carried my phone with me wherever I went, but my phone remained silent. Nor did I attempt to contact her. She’d asked me not to and I honored my promise, even as it simultaneously angered and confused me, even as my heart was breaking.
Gradually, my appetite returned, but I didn’t sleep well. In my waking hours, I felt more on edge than I had in a long time, and I was thankful that I’d be speaking with Bowen on Monday. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I really needed his help.
* * *
“It’s clear that you’re upset,” Bowen said. “Anyone in your situation would feel the same.”
I was in the kitchen, staring at Bowen on the computer screen. I had told him briefly about my trip to Easley before plunging into the events involving Natalie and me. I spoke in circles, repeated myself more than once, continually posing the same questions without really expecting an answer. On his end, Bowen waited for me to finally talk myself out before offering any response.
“I’m more hurt and confused than anything,” I said, running my hand through my hair. “I just don’t understand what happened, Doc. She told me she loves me. What do you think happened?”
“I don’t know that I can answer that question,” he said. “All I know for certain is that—according to you—she made her wishes known.”
“Do you think it’s because of the other man?”
“Don’t you?”
Of course I do. Why else would you end a relationship with someone you loved?
When I didn’t respond, Bowen cleared his throat. “How are you sleeping?”
“Not well, the last few days. Maybe three or four hours, with a lot of tossing and turning.”
“Bad dreams?”
“I doubt I’m sleeping enough to dream.”
“And during the day?”
“On edge. Tense. But I’m not drinking and I’m working out. Even though I’m not hungry, I’m still making sure that I eat.”
“How about your hands? Any trembling?”
“Why? Did you expect me to become a total wreck?” I snapped.
“I just asked the question,” he said. “I take it the answer is no.”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Of course it’s a no. Believe me, I know my situation and understand the things I have to do to stay healthy. I’m under stress at the present time, but I’m doing my best, okay? I just want to know what to do about Natalie.”
I could feel him staring at me through the screen before he finally said in a neutral voice, “If it’s so important to you to understand, I suppose you could always go to her house and try to speak with her.”
“Are you suggesting that I do that?”
“No,” he said. “If you were asking my opinion, I wouldn’t recommend it. Not right now, anyway. Based on the way you described the situation, she seemed unequivocal in her decision. To try to revisit it against her wishes would likely backfire and make things even worse.”
“I don’t think they can get any worse.”
“Oddly, things can almost always get worse.”
I rolled my shoulders a couple of times before forcing myself to take a deep breath. “I just want…”
When I trailed off, Bowen’s eyes were empathetic. “I know what you want,” he said. “You want Natalie to feel the same way about you as you do about her. You want your love reciprocated, and you want a future with her.”
“Exactly.”
“And yet you also suspected that she was seeing someone else and was perhaps even in a serious relationship, prior to her actually admitting it. In other words, you were never sure what to expect. Now, couples’ counseling is not necessarily my area of expertise except in the context of PTSD, but one thing I’ve learned in the course of my own life is that you can’t force a romantic interest with someone who doesn’t want one with you.”
“But that’s the thing. I have the sense that she actually does want one with me.”
“Despite making it clear she wanted to end it?”
He had me there. Bowen went on. “Then the best you can do is wait until she changes her mind. In the meantime, it’s critical to take care of yourself and continue to move forward in your own life. It’s important not to dwell, since it’s likely to make you feel even worse.”
“How am I supposed to not think about it?”
“One thing you can do is stay busy. Stay focused on the things