save the sinner, why had it been Vladislov who carried me out of the dark?
As if he could see straight down to my soul, as if he could pick through the mess of my thoughts, the old man said, “God makes us what we are, tempers the great by terrible trials. Had your life been anything other than it was, I could not hope that you are indeed my father’s soul. Which is why I fear that if you will not take him as your husband, this world will be doomed before all those living in it have a chance to find the peace of God.”
First, there was a vicious chuckle. Then, Vladislov smacked his lips. He smacked his lips and then bent me back over his arm, thrusting his tongue into my mouth in a salacious kiss that stole my air. He even dared tear into my bodice to clutch a breast as if he intended to fuck me right there in the middle of the crowd. It wasn’t until I was breathless from fighting and dared bite him that he drew back, laughing as if the world were wonderful and my flustered state truly divine.
Jesus was gone. The party moved around us as if nothing untoward had taken place.
And I? I looked back at a monster who mouthed the word “wife” before he pulled together my dress.
It was then I saw her. The bride dressed in white, who unlike the rest of the crowd seemed to be paying close attention to whatever had just passed. Our eyes met. Mine blue, hers glowing red.
She sneered.
And I loved her for it.
I loved her as if she’d always been mine.
Chapter Fifteen
Pearl
Over the course of my years, and especially of late, I imagined many things—about my future, about a world I longed for yet retreated from… about my unknown child. Thoughts of her unsettled me the most.
My baby could have been anything, grand or monstrous. One look at her might have cut out my heart for a multitude of reasons that made me unworthy of such a gift. Not once in my life had I ever considered that I’d birth a child. I was cursed. I was sickly. Yet I had. Not that I remembered it, or her, or why, or how, or anything. I’d even tried to, finding only a black hole in my thoughts. And that hole was far too easy to fall into and so much more difficult to climb free of.
Entire pieces of my brain had just been yanked out and filled up with sawdust.
The few memories of Darius I had were enough. Never did I want to know the rest. But I burned with something deeper than anger, a constant pinprick behind my eyes.
An infant’s creation, her time in my body, her birth had been torn out of my mind. A person I was entirely blind to, who I would have never known existed had Vladislov not told me she walked the earth, had no idea I was her mother.
A disturbing, worrying, guilt-inducing horror I’d have to answer to God for. At the feet of my Lord, I’d have to explain my misgivings and disgust. I’d have to confess that the first mention of her did not bring me joy. It brought me horror.
I’d have to ask forgiveness for the sin of bitterness-laced fascination. That I wasn’t at her wedding for her benefit, but for purely selfish longing to know who I was.
A sick curiosity wrapped up in pretend obligation to a fully grown woman.
Yet, one look at the woman my baby had become… and every last pang of disgust and uncertainty blew from my skin like unsettled dust when a tomb was disturbed.
I grew lighter. I knew that somewhere stuck in the untouchable parts of my memory, I had felt that child move inside me and loved her.
Had her first cries been beautiful? Had she nursed from my breast after I delivered her into the world?
I bet her head had smelled divine.
What had she looked like as a baby?
“You want to know, so I will tell you this.” Softly at my ear, a creature who could see into my darkness whispered, “True to form, he cut her out when your condition became inconvenient. Though you fought him despite your entrails spilling everywhere, Darius never allowed you the honor of holding her in your arms. Not after she’d drawn your attention away from him once too often. The squalling, naked, and bloody babe was delivered to the