Redesigning Fate (Revive #1) - A. M. Wilson Page 0,115

him a wobbly smile, I mouth, “it’s okay.”

Elias kisses my cheek softly before allowing Mike to strap me down and roll me inside. DJ climbs in after me, followed by Mike, and another paramedic slams the doors shut behind us.

“I’m going to start an IV and get some fluids in you,” Mike says, but I hardly pay attention to him. DJ draws my focus. There’s so much to say, but neither of us knows where to start.

“Marlena...I’m so sorry,” he starts.

“I remember that day you left, you know. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it.”

He tries to cut me off, “Marlena—” but I hold my hand out to stop him.

“No, wait. I need you to hear this. You left, and I need to say these things to you because if I don’t, I might break.” Pausing to catch my breath, I look for any sign that he’s going to ignore me or argue. He shifts back against the padded bench and crosses one ankle over the other knee.

“Until I was six, you were the best big brother. I looked up to you. I always wanted to play with you, hell, I wanted to be just like you even though you were a boy and I was a girl. That didn’t matter to me. Because you were always the bright spot in my life. You slayed the imaginary dragons and comforted me whenever something would bother me. Up until that point, I didn’t know love other than you.

“Then you became angry. When Dad walked out, I thought you were mad at me. Mad that it was somehow my fault, which makes no sense, but it’s all my childish mind could come up with. You were so angry.” I have to stop to collect myself and to redirect my thoughts. This isn’t about making him feel guilty; it’s about telling him that I’m okay. That I miss him.

“The day you left was one of the worst days of my life. Mom and I had a nasty fight before school because she was drunk, like she was always drunk. When I came home, it was like she was waiting for me. Waiting to rub it in my face that not only David left because of me, but that you did too. She blamed me something fierce for the men in her life walking out on her. She stared me down with a bottle of vodka and screamed at me, and I just took it. Because I thought she was right.”

DJ looks stricken as he sits beside me, one of his hands scrubbing his brow aggressively. I reach to him, tugging his forearm to bring his hand down to mine. I thread my fingers through his like I used to do when we were kids. Like I used to do…before.

“I tried cocaine for the first time that day.” Ignoring his sharp intake of breath, I continue. “Had it not been for Travis, I probably would have continued. I needed something to take off the edge of not only losing my dad but also my brother. I’m not telling you all of this to hurt you.”

“Then why? Not that I don’t deserve it for being a fucking bastard, but why are you telling me all of this?”

“Because I survived. Without all of that—David, you, mom, Travis—I would have never become who I am today. Sure, it was shit, and I don’t look back on it fondly, but I know who I am supposed to be now. And you didn’t do anything to me. You were mean, and we fought, but I know that you were trying to protect yourself. You didn’t leave because of me; you left because you needed to. I forgive you. I forgave you a long time ago, but I never thought I’d get the chance to tell you.”

My big brother squeezes my hand tightly, and I don’t miss the tears leaking down his cheeks when a few of my own release. He grips me tightly as if he’s afraid this moment isn’t real.

“God Marlena, I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I treated you like shit, because I was angry. Fucking angry with dad for leaving and for what he did. The more I was angry with him, the more I was terrified I was just like him. I would hurt you with my words, and I couldn’t stop. I left so I wouldn’t have the chance to hurt you and mom like he did. I didn’t think you’d