Redemption of a Fallen Woman Page 0,76

gaze met and held his. 'He told me that you risked your own life to try and save your friend. There's nothing shameful in that.'

'It was not enough.'

'The odds were overwhelming and those men were crazy with drink and bloodlust.' She shuddered. 'Nothing would have stopped them. I was there, Harry, and I know this for truth. It was the stuff of nightmares.'

He paused. 'Do you still dream about it?'

'Sometimes.'

'I did not understand the meaning of nightmare until Badajoz.'

'It was a miracle that those men did not kill you too.'

'But for Jack they would have done. For a long time I wished they had.' He let out a ragged breath. 'John Radcliffe was a fine officer and one of the most decent men I ever met. I was privileged to know him and to be numbered among his friends.'

'If he was all you say, he would not wish you to carry a burden of blame for what happened.'

'Even so...'

'What if things had been the other way round? Would you have blamed him?'

'Of course not.'

'Well, then, why do you continue to blame yourself?'

'Radcliffe's death is the least of my guilt,' he replied.

'I don't understand.'

'I know you don't.'

His expression sent a chill through her, but having come so far she was not prepared to duck the issue any more. Too much depended on it. 'I want to, Harry.'

'I warn you now, it isn't pretty.'

Her gaze burned into his. 'The past isn't pretty? No one knows that better than I, but if you want us to have the future you spoke of, we have to face the truth no matter how ugly it is.'

For a long moment he was silent. Then he nodded slowly. 'All right.'

Elena waited, her eyes never wavering from his.

'The shock of Radcliffe's murder was profound, yet by the end of that night what I felt was not grief. It was bitter resentment. He was the reason I could not save Belen. If I had gone straight to the house I might have got her out, but as those brutes attacked him, he called out my name, you see.' He swallowed hard. 'So I stopped to help him.'

'You could not have done anything else. You could not leave your friend to die.'

'And yet afterwards I wished I had.' He paused. 'I would have sacrificed my best friend to save Belen.'

Elena paled, trying and failing to find the right words, as her mind wrestled with the implications of what she had just heard. Harry, seeing her expression, thought he understood it.

'Now you know what kind of man you have married.'

'You did the honourable thing and still lost two people whom you loved. It is hardly surprising that you should feel conflicting emotions about it.'

'Conflicting emotions? Say rather, perfidy.'

'You judge yourself too harshly.'

'And how do you judge me, Elena?'

'As a man trying to come to terms with a nightmare.'

The grey gaze locked with hers. 'Do you still want a future with him?'

For a moment she was dumbfounded. Then, with an effort, she recovered her wits. 'Yes, I still want that.'

'It's more than I deserve.'

'You deserve to be happy. I should like to make you so.'

'You do make me happy.'

He did not speak of love, but she was glad that he did not try and pretend. In any case, what would have been the point when he had just revealed where his deeper feelings lay? Harry cared for her, but it was Belen who held his heart. For her he would have sacrificed his friend, his fortune and his life. Elena had once dreamed of finding a love like that, had hoped it would be with Harry, but knew now it wasn't going to happen. She had heard it said that in any relationship one heart was always warmer than the other. Clearly she would have to be that one. She summoned a tremulous smile.

'I'm glad.'

They resumed their walk round the square and then, by tacit consent, began to retrace their steps to the inn. Neither one spoke but now the silence had a different texture. Pretence was at an end between them, as she had wanted it to be, but it had not brought a lightening of the spirit. Instead it had killed off her most cherished ambition. Now she could only hope that she had enough love for two.

* * *

As Harry had predicted, the following day dawned fair. Moreover, their wet garments had dried out and, since they were in town, they were able to restock their provisions before continuing