When I didn’t volunteer any further information, she prodded again gently. “Did he break your heart, Lilypad?”
I rubbed my hands together and despite a valiant effort to control myself, tears spilled onto my cheeks. “Well, my heart is broken but it wasn’t his fault.”
“What do you mean?”
“He…he died, Nana.”
“Oh. Oh my dear. I’m so sorry.” Nana rocked herself forward and moved to the couch, holding out her arms for me. Without even thinking, I got up and collapsed against her, letting the tears flow down my face in a torrent as she rubbed my back and murmured, “It’s okay to cry, honey,” and “You just let it all out now.” After a moment, she added, “Your parents don’t know?”
I shook my head. “They wouldn’t have approved.”
She nodded and squeezed me tighter. Despite knowing that Amon was alive in some way, acknowledging that he was beyond my reach for the rest of my mortal life sat heavily in my heart. The grief was hot and packed into my chest like a too-full suitcase. Sitting with Nana, allowing my emotions to flow in such a free, open way, helped. The sadness ebbed out of me slowly, deflating until I felt spent.
We sat quietly for several minutes, her hand softly patting my shoulder until I finally lifted my tearstained face. “How did you get over it, Nana? With Grandpa, I mean.”
She let out a heavy sigh as her hands moved to my hair and stroked it lightly. “You don’t. Not really. I know that’s not the thing most of your friends would tell you but it’s the truth in my experience. Other people don’t really want to hear about it either, so prepare for that. Oh, they leave you alone for a while. Give you a certain amount of time, but then they expect you to pull yourself together and move on.”
“So, you’re not over him?”
“I don’t think I’ll ever be. Your granddad was an integral part of my life. Don’t misunderstand me. The grief changes over time. You keep busy. Sometimes your mind even forgets the pain for a little while. But when someone you love dies, there will always be a hurt inside you, like a splinter, and when you give yourself over to thinking on it, the ache comes back.”
My lip trembled as I considered that the splinter in my heart was more like a jagged tree trunk.
“Aw, honey. I hope I haven’t made it worse.”
“I’m not sure it could be.”
“I know it seems like there’s nothing left. That life won’t go on without him, but it does. As much as you allow it to, anyway. I like to think that he’s not gone forever, that he’s just in a place I can’t be yet. I’ve thought about death a lot since the day he departed this world, and I’ve decided that it’s like a long business trip. It’s a separation that neither of us wants but it’s a normal part of life. And someday, I’m not sure when, that business trip will be over and we’ll be together again.”
“You really think you’ll see Grandpa again?”
“I don’t think it. I know it.”
“I never took you for such a romantic, Nana.”
“Never underestimate the power of the heart, Lilypad.”
I blew out a long breath. “So what do I do? Until we can be together again?”
“Keep busy. Work. Laugh. Learn. Love your family. Enjoy your life the best way you can.”
“I think he’d agree with you, Nana.”
She smiled. “You’ll have to tell me more about him tomorrow. He must have been very special to have made such an impact on you.”
“He was.” Sniffling, I said, “I think I’d like to sleep now.”
“Of course. Let me just get you another quilt.”
As she rummaged in the closet and I moved to the guest room, I turned and said, “Sometimes I have nightmares. I don’t want you to worry if you hear anything.”
She pressed the thick quilt she’d made into my arms. “Don’t you worry about that. I’m a deep sleeper. Besides, Bossy will be bawling to be milked before the sun comes up, so neither of us will be getting much sleep tonight.”
“Okay.” She turned to head up the stairs to her room. “Nana?” I added.
“Yes, honey?”
“I’m glad I’m here.”
“So am I, Lilypad. So am I.”
The bang of pots and pans in the kitchen woke me up way earlier than my body would have woken naturally. I wrapped a worn robe Nana kept for me in the closet around my body and headed