The ride is silent for a good hour before he asks, “What if he wants to get back together? Then what?”
I shake my head even though he’s watching the road. “It doesn’t matter.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to get back together. I meant what I said at the cabin.”
“Which part?” he asks firmly.
“Everything I said at the cabin, Madden. I meant all of it. But what about you? Maybe you said and did stuff you didn’t mean. Did you?”
“I never say shit I don’t mean, Nat. That’s not who I am.”
“Then why are you being so indifferent toward me?” I ask angrily. “Why sleep with me if you don’t have feelings for me? Was it only because you wanted to get back at your bro—”
“Fuck no.” He exhales and grips the steering wheel, his knuckles turning white. “Don’t say that shit, Nat. Of course, I have feelings for you. Why do you think I’m so fucked up right now and unable to act right?”
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because you decided sleeping with me was a mistake? Or getting back at your brother for something in the past was stupid and now you regret it. I don’t fucking know, Madden. You tell me.”
“Because I’m falling for you and I’m fucking terrified, okay.” He turns to face me, my heart sinking to my stomach from the anxiety in his eyes. “I’m terrified that after a period of time you’ll realize you’re still in love with my brother; that you only slept with me because you were angry with him. I’m fucking terrified that you’ll go back to thinking of me as the reckless rock star and realize you can’t be with me because of shit I’ve done. That’s why I’m unable to act right, Nat. Is that a good enough explanation for you?”
I remain silent, trying to process everything he just said as I sit here. He just confessed that he’s falling for me, and I’m just as terrified as he is.
“You don’t think I’m scared too?” I ask once we’re close to Logan’s. “That I don’t have my own fears of you realizing that you can’t be with your brother’s ex and rip my heart out? Huh?” I become angry just thinking about it. “Or that you’ll realize you’re still in love with Alana just like you always have been? I’m scared too.”
“That won’t happen.” He pulls up in front of my car and shifts his truck into park. “I’m over Alana. That’s the one thing I’m sure of, but Alana and I haven’t been together in a long time. You and Logan are fresh, and until I know that you’re sure about us, I think I should stay away. As much as I fucking hate it, and trust me, I do, I think you need time to figure things out without me in the picture as a distraction. I can’t take getting my heart broken again, especially when it comes to you. After this trip, I know I wouldn’t survive.”
“I already told you what I want, Madden. What more do you want from me? What do I have to do to prove to you that I want you? I wouldn’t have slept with you otherwise. Tell me,” I say, my voice fading to a whisper, my exhaustion getting the best of me.
“I need to know that in a week or two you won’t regret what happened between us during this trip. That you won’t go running back to my brother. And in order to ensure that, we need time.” His words come out pained and it breaks my heart. “I’m sorry, Nat.”
“Fine. If time is what you want, then that’s what you’ll get. Enjoy your life as a single rock star. I’m sure you’ll have plenty of women to pass the time. Maybe it’s best we part ways now so neither of us get hurt. Have a great fucking life, Madden.”
I hop out of his truck and slam the door behind me, hurrying to grab my suitcase. I shouldn’t have said it, knowing I didn’t mean any of it, but he’s not playing fair. I’m in the middle of trying to pull it over the bed of the truck when Madden reaches over me to help.
“No! Don’t. Just leave me the fuck alone.”
“Nat, please don’t get angry,” he pleads when I put my hand out, putting space between us. “It’s not what you think. I don’t want to leave shit this way.”