“Abigail would have wanted that for you. After she died, I watched videos of her singing in your band. The way you two looked at each other—that’s true love. Anyone who loves you like that wants you to be happy. If this new lady makes you happy, then you can rest easy knowing Abigail is happy for you.”
Tears threaten my eyes. “But I made her a promise.”
“I made lots of promises, too.” He fingers the cross at the end of a long chain around his neck. “One of which was ‘Thou shalt not kill’.”
I cringe. I could so easily have been one of the inmates in this very institution.
“There’s something I never told you, Dr.—I mean Jim. Something I’ve never told anyone.”
“I’m not a priest, Chris. You shouldn’t be confessing anything to me.”
“Maybe not, but I have to tell you this because I think about it all the time. In some twisted way, I sometimes think life would be easier if I were here and you weren’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
My heart beats wildly knowing that for the first time, I’m about to say what I’ve never said before. “The last morning of the trial, I went to Liam’s uncle’s house. I knew that monster wasn’t going to get what he deserved, and Dirk would have what I needed. The district attorney told us from the beginning that Connecticut wouldn’t uphold a death penalty. But I knew I could make it happen if the judge and jury couldn’t. That day at the courthouse, after they sentenced him, I waited outside in the bushes with Dirk’s Smith and Wesson.”
He goes white in the face. “Lord Jesus!”
“I was going to kill him, but you did it instead.” I choke on my words. “When I heard the gun go off and he hit the ground, I thought it was me who’d shot him. I didn’t remember pulling the trigger, but he was bleeding on the ground. From where I was hiding, I could see the blood spurting from his mouth. I panicked and ran, throwing the gun into a pond, but I couldn’t stay away. I had to make sure he was dead. When I returned, you were on your knees, surrounded by police, and the area was being cordoned off. I was part of the crowd watching you get arrested and him get put into a body bag. I felt so guilty that you had gotten blamed for something I did, but then I got home and watched the news. Someone had recorded the whole thing. You appeared with your gun, said something about Abby, and then shot him from twenty feet away before giving yourself up.”
Jim reaches for my hand, but the guard warns him about touching, and he pulls back. “I don’t know what to say.”
I picture myself in his tan state-issued jumpsuit. “It should be me in here.”
“No. No way.”
“How can you say that? It was my fault he took her.”
“He was stalking her, Chris. If he hadn’t taken her then, it would have been another time.”
“I should have protected her.”
“You don’t think I’ve told myself that a million times? I’m her father. If I couldn’t protect her, no one could. It was my job, not yours. You and I both know she was an independent soul. She’d have hated it if you’d become so controlling it overshadowed your relationship. You have to stop blaming yourself. No one does, least of all Abigail.”
I wince every time he says her name. “But it should have been me who killed him.”
“You don’t know this yet because you haven’t raised a child, but one day you’ll understand, and then you’ll know why I did it.” He laughs sadly. “I wasn’t even sure myself until this very minute. I was a pastor. It went against everything I believed in. I knew it was a sin, even though he was the sinner, but I was compelled. Driven. Almost like I was on auto-pilot.” He cocks his head and smiles. “But now I know why. I couldn’t save her, but I did save you.”
My throat thickens. I can’t speak.
“You’re young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Look at what you’ve accomplished so far. You’ve made a name for yourself, and your mother is so proud of you. She beams with joy every time she speaks of you. And now you have a new lady. The future is full of possibilities. You have to stop feeling guilty about her, about me. You’ve just