he finds me wet and ready. When his tongue circles my clit, I inhale sharply. My insides coil, and I’m surprised at what I’m allowing. I’m angry at him. I almost pull away, feeling like maybe I shouldn’t be doing this with him when he’s been acting so indifferent lately.
Indifferent. Yes, that’s it. I couldn’t put my finger on it until now. Maybe he’s trying to figure out how to dump me. “Crew.”
He doubles his efforts, thinking I’m saying his name because I’m about to come. For the second time in my life, I fake an orgasm. I buck my hips and squeeze his fingers with my walls, hoping he doesn’t see through me.
Sadness washes over me when I remember the last time I faked it. Am I going down the same road all over again?
He moves up beside me and passes out. I’m relieved. I’m not sure what I would have done if he’d wanted to make love.
I get up and collect my sleeping clothes on my way to the bathroom. I close the door and stand at the sink. “Why did you let him touch you?” I ask the girl in the mirror. “He doesn’t even seem to want you anymore.”
Tears flow as I sit on the toilet and feel sorry for myself. I can’t believe I let this happen again. I shouldn’t have gotten involved. “You’re so stupid,” I say.
“What’d you say?” I hear from the other side of the door. I quickly dress and splash cold water on my face before opening the door.
I leave the light in the bathroom on. Crew is sitting on my couch with a beer. He’s wearing only boxers.
“Didn’t have enough yet?” I ask bitterly.
“You’re mad at me,” he slurs.
“You think?”
“I’m sorry,” he says, rubbing the front of his boxers. “It doesn’t work so well after a dozen shots. I’ll make it up to you later.”
“I’m not mad because you couldn’t get it up. Relieved is more like it. Just go to bed.”
The front door handle rattles. Someone is trying to get in. Crew may be drunk, but he flies off the couch and opens the door to Brody, my upstairs neighbor. He stumbles inside, looking unkempt with his straggly beard and wrinkled clothes.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Crew yells.
Brody looks at Crew, taking in his half-nakedness, then at me. “What are you doing in my apartment?”
“This isn’t your apartment, Brody. Yours is one floor up.”
He looks around at my stuff. “Well shit, I did it again.”
“You know this asshole?” Crew says.
“No need to call me names, buddy. Honest mistake.”
“You’re honestly wasted.”
I snort and say, “Said the pot to the kettle.”
He flashes me an annoyed look, then shoves Brody into the hall, closes the door, and engages all four locks. “How many times has he mistaken your place for his?”
“Once or twice.”
He grabs his beer and drinks. “Shit.” He stumbles over the coffee table, knocking everything off it, including a glass of water. I run to get a towel.
“Let me,” he says, taking it from me.
“Fine. I’m going back to bed. Turn off the light when you’re finished.”
I crawl into bed and hug the pillow tightly against me. He’s quiet, and I wonder if he conked out on the couch. But a few minutes later, he turns off the bathroom light, comes to bed, and spoons me. “I’m sorry.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“For whatever I did. The water. The sex. Everything.”
“Okay. Go to sleep.”
He breathes evenly in my ear. When I think he’s drifted off, he surprises me by saying, “I think you should move in with me.”
I stop breathing. “Where did that come from?”
“Don’t you want to?” he slurs.
I turn and face him, barely able to see his eyes. “Crew, do you love me?”
He stiffens. “That’s kind of a loaded question, don’t you think?”
“Maybe, but it’s an easy one. Either you love me or you don’t.”
He rolls onto his back. “I told you, Bria, I’m fucked up. I’m not even sure I’m capable of that.”
“Capable of love? Or capable of commitment? Because moving in together seems like one hell of a commitment.” I get up and pace. “What’s going on here? One minute you can’t look at me and the next you’re asking me to cohabit. Yeah, that’s all kinds of fucked up, if you ask me. What’s come over you lately? I thought earlier you might want out of this relationship, or whatever it is we have, and now you throw this at me?” I go