Reasons I Fell for the Funny Fat Friend - By Becca Ann

Reason 1: You know how to sign the word ‘balls’

More than half the time, girls who think they’re fat really aren’t. They’re just fatter than the skinniest chick in school. And even that girl thinks she’s fat. So when Hayley, my signing partner in American Sign Language shrugs off Josh moo-ing at her as she walks in the room, that’s when I figure this girl… isn’t like most girls.

Fact is, Hayley isn’t really fat. She’s… I dunno. Not fat. The girls who talk about bein’ fat look that way ‘cause they wear clothes that don’t fit. Like that’s goin’ to impress us guys somehow. But the muffin top is not hot.

Hayley doesn’t have a muffin top ‘cause she wears pants that are her size. So the moo-ing and other douchbaggery doesn’t make sense.

Maybe it’s ‘cause I’m not that kind of guy. But whatever.

She plops in the seat next to me, popping her gum and twisting the brown curls hanging from her ponytail. We don’t talk much. Just sign, and if she was showin’ the slightest bit of ‘woe is me’ from Josh’s comment, I’d probably say somethin’. But she’s not so I don’t feel like an ass for keepin’ my mouth shut. That, and I’m waiting for someone else to walk through that door.

Quynn.

It sucks wanting someone you can’t have. And Quynn is definitely a ‘don’t go there’. She’s my brother’s ex. There’s some kind of code for that shit, but that’s not what’s stoppin’ me. Gabe’s a cheating douche, so not sure if I’d feel too guilty about goin’ after his ex-girl. It’s Quynn. Every time we get together it’s just… weird. Like she thinks I’m her brother. So yeah, sort of takes her off any list I have of girls I’ll probably get to see naked. Not like there’s a long list or anything.

The room is too hot. All the sweat makes my clothes stick to my balls. Man, if Quynn walks in right when I adjust myself, I may as well sniff my hand afterward too, since that’s how attractive I’ll look.

Okay, Brody, be quick about it. Be cool. How do you look cool when you scratch yourself? She’s still not here. Do it now! It’s driving you crazy!

One quick glance around the room and a shift later, nuts are in the right place and no one seems to have noticed. What a big deal over nothin’.

“All right,” Ms. Stevens says as she turns around. “It’s silent time, now. Only communicate through sign. I’ll be walking around to check on each of you.”

She starts weaving through the desks, and finally, Quynn walks through the door. She opens her mouth to apologize, but Ms. Stevens puts a finger to her lips and motions for Quynn to take a seat. She throws me a grin and a wave as she crosses the room. Her body looks kick-ass even in a hoodie and jeans. I’ve only seen her in something else a few times, and that was when she was in a Prom dress—worst day of my life since I caught her and douchebag brother goin’ at it in the parkin’ lot. And when she came to school once, once, in a skirt that showed off a pair of the sexiest legs I’ve ever seen. I know I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t able to concentrate that day.

A light tap on my shoulder jerks my attention to Hayley. That’s right, we’re supposed to be doin’ an assignment or somethin’. She smiles and starts signing.

You okay? You seem… I don’t catch the rest. She’s real good.

Sorry, go slower.

She smiles wider and emphasizes each movement.

You seem in a D-A-Z-E.

Or just slobbering over the goddess that just walked in. Same dif.

I’m fine. As fine as I ever am.

Well, what did you… bunch of gibberish.

Man, I wish I was as good as she was.

S-L-O-W!

She giggles which gets a shhh! from Ms. Stevens.

Sorry. Hayley blushes and turns back to me and signs so slow, her hand bounces up and down. What do you want to talk about for the hour? I really don’t want another lecture over my lack of taste in music. She rolls her eyes so I catch the sarcasm.

No educating you then. I run my hand over my buzzed head before continuing. How about movies this time?

She scrunches her nose. I don’t see many movies.

I swear this girl lives under a rock. Why not?

Her face goes red again, and I wonder if I overstepped a line or something. She blushes over movies