Real Shadows - M.E. Clayton Page 0,37

Because it sure as fuck wasn’t Xander Raynes.

It was me.

Chapter 18

Xander~

My heart threatened to beat out of my chest with anticipation.

After Fallon didn’t elaborate on her ‘I probably shouldn’t’ comment, I had grabbed the check, paid the waitress, grabbed Fallon by her hand, and had walked her back out to my truck.

The ride home had been quiet as fuck, but I hadn’t wanted to open my mouth and run the risk of saying something stupid enough to change her mind about me. Hell, or worse, remind her of the asshole I was when we first met.

Shutting the front door behind us, I knew it was now or never. “Fallon-”

She turned around and looked up at me. Her eyes were warm and her expression guileless. “This is a bad idea, Xander,” she said, her voice matter of fact.

I stepped to her and I wish I could say I was surprised by her words, but I wasn’t. This was a bad idea from her perspective. I reached for her and placed on hand on her back while the other one cradled her face. “I can understand why you’d feel that way, baby.” And I could. Her life was changing rapidly, and big decisions were being made without adding this one to it. I also wasn’t going to apologize for calling her baby even with all that surprise on her face. I was in this for real. “I get that…you have a lot going on, and the last thing I want to do is take advantage of your situation, but, Christ, Fallon…I’ve been patient. I’ve been living here with you for weeks, staying out of your way and waiting for you to feel comfortable and…alive. I don’t think I can wait anymore.” Not without losing my fucking mind. “It’d be different if you didn’t want me, but I know you do.”

Fallon closed her eyes and the sigh that escaped sounded deep, lonely, and tiring as fuck. But that’s the thing…I wanted to carry her. I knew how exhausted she was, and I wanted to pick up the battle for her. And if not fight it for her completely, at least help her with her fight. While we haven’t spoken much on her stalking, I could see the toll it’s taken on her, and I couldn’t stand it anymore.

She opened her eyes to look at me. “I don’t want to use you, Xander.”

Her words were like a kick to the chest. I dropped my hands and stepped back. I called her out on her attraction to me, but attraction didn’t equal like. And if she was afraid to use me, then that must mean she didn’t like me. She’d just be with me to stave off the loneliness.

Well, that fucking sucked.

“You still don’t like me,” I said. No accusation. No blame. Just a statement of fact.

Fallon’s beautiful blue eyes widened. “What? No. What are you talking about?”

I shrugged a shoulder. “You said you didn’t want to use me. It’d only be using me if you were only invested in sex and nothing more.”

She let out another exhausting sigh. “That’s not what I meant, Xander.”

I jammed my fists in my pockets, doing my best to keep the frustration out of my voice. I wasn’t mad, just…I wanted this woman so goddamn badly. “Then what did you mean?”

“I just meant…I could easily get used to living inside this little bubble with you, pretending that it can’t just all come to an end at any moment. I don’t want to use you as an escape. I…I gotta know you’re really committed to this before we take this any further.”

“I am.” The words flew out of my mouth without any hesitation.

“Xander, someone is after me,” she replied as if I didn’t understand English. “Do you get that? I mean, do you really get that? You say you want more than sex, but do you really understand what ‘more’ with me means?”

“No,” I told her honestly. “No, I don’t. But I know I want you badly enough to go for it without knowing.”

She scoffed. “That’s hormones, Xander.”

I stepped to her and took her face in my hands again. “Bullshit,” I snapped. “If it were hormones, I’d be balls deep in some random female at the bar or somewhere. Instead, I’m here with you. I’ve been here with you, and only you, for weeks, Fallon. Waiting. Praying. Wanting.”

“If something happens to you-”

I slammed my mouth down on hers, stopping the words she was going to say to convince herself not