Raine (Gods of the Fifth Floor #2) - M.V. Ellis Page 0,94

life up until the point that they weren’t. They taught me how to tie my shoelaces, and how to ride a bike. They told me all the terrible shit I needed to know about teenage boys to put me off of dating until I was fifteen.” All the same shit Zach had done for Lily.

“They stayed up late, waiting for me to come home from those first dates. They threatened to kneecap boys with a baseball bat if they broke my heart. They told me that men were assholes when the first one did. They saw me off to prom, and promised to walk me down the aisle.”

Things we never got the chance to do for Lily, though in all likelihood I probably never would have, because I was too much of a selfish little fuck, and way too preoccupied with my own shit. That stuff would have been all Zach—the good big brother, not the flaky douchebag one.

“I just assumed they would always be there, leading the way, a shoulder to cry on or a strong arm to lean on when I needed them. I was supposed to go through life with them, go to their weddings, spoil their children, all of that normal shit that we all just assume will happen So many people take their siblings for granted. But they can be so quickly snatched from us.” Wasn’t that the truth.

“Obviously, it hit my mom hard. Who could lose a husband and then her two sons, and not be deeply affected? And suddenly, I was all she had left. I felt like I didn’t have time to deal with my grief as I was too busy trying to prop her up, and so worried that I could potentially miss some crucial sign with her, and that history would repeat itself. Again.”

Instead of taking her in my arms and hugging away the pain, like I wanted to, I reached out across the desk, and waited for her to take my offered hands. When she did, I took hers in mine, and squeezed them gently. Minimal though it was, it was all I could give, and more than I’d ever offered anyone before.

“So, I buried my own grief, and just kept on keeping on. I was on autopilot. If I woke up, I got up. If I got up, I went to work. If I was at work, I did my job. If it was lunchtime, I ate, even though I had no appetite. I was like a clockwork-doll version of myself.

“But, eventually, it all caught up with me. Six months after Kai died, I was driving my car one day and suddenly it hit me like a ten-ton weight to the solar plexus, and my heart shattered into a million pieces. I had to pull over while I had a full-on anxiety attack. I managed to drive myself back home, but then I didn’t speak for three weeks. I didn’t get dressed. I didn’t shower. I just couldn’t function.” This was a lot.

“After that, luckily, I had just enough wherewithal to know I needed help and seek it. I didn’t want to burden my mom with my problems, so I found an organization that assists people who’ve lost a loved one. They put me in touch with a counselor and a support group specifically for bereaved siblings, and I realized I was okay. That what I was feeling was normal. I mean, I wasn’t okay, I was fucked, but I could see that there would be a time in the future when I would be. Or at least, when I could be.” She hesitated a moment, which seemed weird. She’d just told me all her shit—at least, I assumed it was all. Why hold back now?

“If you’ve never spoken with other people who’ve lost siblings, I’d urge you to. That and the therapy did me a world of good, but it was a slow road. Remember when you asked what I’d been doing in the two-year gap in my resumé? Well, that was it. I was literally putting the shattered pieces of myself back together.”

Chapter 36

Raine

* * *

“What the fuck is this? If it’s an intervention, you all can go eat a bag of dicks right now. I do not have a problem. I fucking knew when the new PA said that you were all waiting for me in here, that it was a goddamned ambush.”

“I don’t know why that should be a red flag. How many thousands