he was speaking so openly. I didn’t know if I should be thrilled that he was acknowledging this or concerned because of where it could lead.
Heartache.
Because even if his words led somewhere, we couldn’t go anywhere, and even with my lack of experience, I knew that being physically attracted to someone didn’t mean everything or really anything.
But I owed him honesty. I owed it to myself, and in the dark, it was easier to go there. “I know.”
Then I heard the next breath Zayne took. It was heavy and full. “You’re under my skin and in my blood. I can’t get you out.”
Every single muscle in my body tensed. I didn’t say a word. I couldn’t.
“Maybe it wouldn’t be like this if we hadn’t started it that night—if I hadn’t kissed you. Or maybe it would’ve eventually gotten to this point.” His voice was deeper, rougher, like it had been when we were on the motorcycle. “Because it isn’t just your taste that has me spinning in circles. It’s you. All of you. Not just the memory of how your mouth felt against mine, or what it was like to hold you like I did. It’s the way you talk and laugh, when you really laugh. It’s the way you fight and how you don’t back down.” He let out a low laugh. “Even when you fight me. When I’m sure you’re arguing with me just to argue. It’s all you.”
The latter part was totally not a surprise. I often did disagree with him just to be antagonistic, and I did secretly believe he enjoyed it. But the rest of what he said? My skin felt numb and yet hypersensitive.
“So, yeah,” he said. “I’m in a constant state of distraction, and we messed up tonight. It’s not your fault. I’m not saying that. I should know better. I should be able to do this...professionally.”
I found my voice. “It’s not just your fault, Zayne. I... I feel the same way. I just can’t say it as eloquently as you.” I gave a little shake of my head. “I’m distracted, too, and I know what my duty is. I know what I’m supposed to be doing. We messed up. Not you. We.”
“Then what do we do?”
“Maybe if we weren’t resisting it so much, it wouldn’t be a distraction,” I said, snorting.
“I was actually thinking that.”
“What?” My head snapped in his direction. “I was joking.”
“I wasn’t.”
In the darkness, I could feel his gaze on me. “You...you’re serious?”
“I am,” he answered, and those two little words blew me away. “I know we’re not supposed to, but that doesn’t change this.”
Oh God, it didn’t. No matter what I told myself over and over, it didn’t change. “You think...what? If we stop fighting our attraction, things will be easier?”
He shifted to face me. “Sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But pretending this isn’t between us isn’t working. Tonight is evidence of that.”
I’d thought that caving in would make it so much worse, but my body and my heart were already way on board with his line of thinking. The numbness had vanished from my skin, which now tingled, and my limbs felt heavier.
“We can’t be together,” I whispered. “There are rules.”
“We don’t even know why they exist.”
“But they do.”
“Some rules exist only to control someone,” he said, his voice as quiet as mine. “I, more than anyone, know that.”
I guessed he was thinking about the rule that would’ve prevented him from pursuing Layla before Roth came into the picture. The rule that would prevent him from settling down with anyone other than another Warden.
“Some rules need to be broken.”
“Not these rules,” I told him, even as I rolled onto my side, leaving nothing but a few inches between us.
“Rules are broken every day.” His fingertips brushed my cheek, and when I jerked, it had nothing to do with me not seeing him move and everything to do with him touching me. “I’ve already broken more rules than I can count. This one surely cannot be any less favorable than working with demons.”
“You might have a point there.” My senses zeroed in on his fingers tracing the line of my jaw. Logic was still fighting to the surface. “But if we can’t risk your clan finding out about me, then how do we risk whatever consequence might come from this?”
“You are considering it?”
I bit back a gasp when his finger glanced over my lower lip. “I didn’t say that.”