It was what she wanted, but it still tore her up to read. Her parents had disowned her in a statement that was fully legal. They had no claim to her, nor she to them. I’m free. She didn’t know why that didn’t make her happier.
The black lion nudged her hand, and she stroked his metallic muzzle. He laid his head on her lap, comforting her.
“Read the second,” Dar urged.
She flipped to the second paper and read. This one was an adoption certificate. Even though she was a full legal adult, this paper claimed her as part of the family Verlas. Daughter of Trainer Tamra Verlas, sister to augur-in-training Shalla Verlas. If she chose to accept. There were no financial ties within it—no obligations from either the family to her, or her to the family.
But they were legally bound, if she wished to be.
Now she was crying in earnest.
“I can’t tell if you’re happy or not,” Dar said.
“I can’t either,” she admitted.
He gestured to the papers. “Do you want this?”
“Yes! Oh, yes!” She clutched both to her chest. Free from the family who never loved her. And tied to a family who did. Yes, she wanted this very much. She’d never imagined it was possible to change something that felt as immutable as the family she was born into. But I did. I changed my life, my future, my destiny.
The kehok leaned against her, and she heard the words in her head: You changed mine.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, as far as they would reach, and wept into his mane.
Chapter 37
Shalla sat next to her mother, looking out at the desert. She rested her head against her mother’s shoulder and breathed in the familiar scent: a little sand, a little sweat, a little hibiscus, and a little wildness. It was a smell that always made Shalla feel safe.
“You have a choice now,” Mama said. “The new high augurs promised you would. All students can choose whether they want to continue to train to become augurs.”
Ever since the emperor had issued his proclamation, she’d known this was coming: Mama would ask her what she wanted. What she didn’t know was what Mama wanted her to choose. “Emperor Dar is making a lot of changes.”
“Yes, he is. And not everyone likes that. But sometimes the world has to change.” Mama paused as if considering her words. “Or be changed.”
Shalla thought about that. So much of what she understood about the world she’d thought couldn’t change, and that had been proven wrong. Because Mama had changed it. Shalla looked out at the wind dancing over the sand and wondered if she dared ask the question that had been haunting her for days now. “Are you sorry for what happened?”
“You mean am I sorry I saved you? No. Am I sorry I used the monsters to stop the invasion? No. Am I sorry it’s my fault all those people died? I . . . don’t know. Because I can’t have one without the other. I did a terrible thing at the same time I did the best thing I’ve ever done. And if I had to do it all over again . . . I would do the same.”
Shalla absorbed that.
“Do you understand, my star? I would destroy the world for you.”
Shalla didn’t know if that was right, as Augur Clari would consider it, but it made her feel warm and safe. She wished, though, she could forget what she’d seen and heard in that chamber. It woke her in the night, and for a few seconds, she’d be convinced she was still there. But then she’d remember her mother had come to save her and had kept her safe when the monsters attacked, and it would be okay again. “I love you, Mama.”
She heard her mother make a small hiccup, and she tilted her head to see Mama’s face. There were tears on Mama’s cheeks. Did I say the wrong thing? she wondered.
But Mama just squeezed her tighter and said, “I love you too, my star.”
“I still want to be an augur,” Shalla said. “Like Augur Yorbel was.” Even if being able to read auras didn’t mean she was inherently special, she was still good at it. And she liked the idea of helping people be better. “Are you mad at me, for wanting to keep training?”
“I’m proud of you,” Mama said. “After what they did . . . After what you saw . .