Rabbit, Run - By John Updike Page 0,81
to have it stop and kept thinking the next moment, until it was too late, done. With it went instantly that strange floating feeling of high pride. Shame plunged in.
“My wife’s having her baby. I got to go see her through it I guess. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. I love you.”
Still the body under the covers and the frizzy crescent of hair peeking over the top edge of the blanket don’t move. He is so sure she is not asleep he thinks, I’ve killed her. It’s ridiculous, such a thing wouldn’t kill her, it has nothing to do with death; but the thought paralyzes him from going forward to touch her and make her listen.
“Ruth. I got to go this once, it’s my baby she’s having and she’s such a mutt I don’t think she can do it by herself. Our first one came awfully hard. It’s the least I owe her.”
Perhaps this wasn’t the best way to say it but he’s trying to explain and her stillness frightens him and is beginning to make him sore.
“Ruth. Hey. If you don’t say anything I’m not coming back. Ruth.”
She lies there like some dead animal or somebody after a car accident when they put a tarpaulin over. He feels if he went over and lifted her she would come to life but he doesn’t like being manipulated and is angry. He puts on his shirt and doesn’t bother with a coat and necktie but it seems to take forever putting on his socks; the soles of his feet are tacky.
When the door closes the taste of seawater in her mouth is swallowed by the thick grief that mounts in her throat so fully she has to sit up to breathe. Tears slide from her blind eyes and salt the corners of her mouth as the empty walls of the room become real and then dense. It’s like when she was fourteen and the whole world trees sun and stars would have swung into place if she could lose twenty pounds just twenty pounds what difference would it make to God Who guided every flower in the fields into shape? Only now it’s not that she’s asking she knows now that’s superstitious all she wants is what she had a minute ago him in the room him who when he was good could make her into a flower who could undress her of her flesh and turn her into sweet air Sweet Ruth he called her and if he had just said “sweet” talking to her she might have answered and he’d still be between these walls. No. She had known from the first night the wife would win they have the hooks and anyway she feels really lousy: a wave of wanting to throw up comes over her and washes away caring much about anything. She goes into the john and kneels on the tiles and watches the still oval of water in the toilet as if it’s going to do something. She doesn’t think after all she has it in her to throw up but stays there anyway because it pleases her, her bare arm resting on the icy porcelain lip, and grows used to the threat in her stomach, which doesn’t dissolve, which stays with her, so in her faint state it comes to seem that this thing that’s making her sick is some kind of friend.
He runs most of the way to the hospital. Up Summer one block, then down Youngquist, a street parallel to Weiser on the north, a street of brick tenements and leftover business places, shoe-repair nooks smelling secretively of leather, darkened candy stores, insurance agencies with photographs of tornado damage in the windows, real-estate offices lettered in gold, a bookshop. On an old-fashioned wooden bridge Youngquist Street crosses the railroad tracks, which slide between walls of blackened stone soft with soot like moss through the center of the city, threads of metal deep below in a darkness like a river, taking narrow sunset tints of pink from the neon lights of the dives along Railway Street. Music rises to him. The heavy boards of the old bridge, waxed black with locomotive smoke, rumble under his feet. Being a small-town boy, he always has a fear of being knifed in a city slum. He runs harder; the pavement widens, parking meters begin, and a new drive-in bank faces the antique Y.M.C.A. He cuts up the alley between the Y. and a