This will sound stupid, and you probably won’t believe me, but my concerns about people’s opinions of me died a long time ago, so here we go. Julian and I haven’t slept together. We’ve shared the same bed, fondled, kissed, and touched on every base before the home plate, but we haven’t consummated our relationship as most modern-day couples do within the first few months.
Do you recall me saying how I couldn’t get passed certain things after my assault? Intimacy is one of those neuroses. It isn’t that I clammed up, my mind just wanders at the most inappropriate times, then I clam up.
When I admitted what was happening to my therapist, she suggested a period of abstinence so I could get to know Julian in a way intimacy doesn’t allow. I needed to trust him not to hurt me. It was only supposed to be for six months, but when we noticed how less toxic our relationship was since we weren’t forcing a sexual connection, it continued beyond that. We grew and matured as friends, and our love blossomed right along with it.
When it continued past the original six months, nothing was said. When it hit twelve months, I was certain Julian would bring it up, so you can imagine my surprise when it wasn’t mentioned again until the big ‘M’ word was cited along with it.
Although neither of us are virgins, we like the idea of making our wedding night special, so we somewhat agreed to save that side of our relationship for the night we become husband and wife.
I know what you’re thinking. I’ve panicked about the exact same thing multiple times the past two-plus years, but I truly don’t believe Julian is cheating on me. For one, he isn’t that sort of guy. He’s sweet and kind and truly loves me enough to wait an eternity for me to reciprocate his love with intimacy as well as words.
He’s good to me. Really, really good.
Riddled with guilt about my deceit, I return Brandon’s email, thanking him for his assistance and assuring him I’ll update him on anything Julian’s security team finds out before forwarding Brandon’s email onto Julian.
My computer has barely whooshed when my work phone commences ringing. I’m not surprised to see my incoming call is from Julian. He doesn’t scour the wastelands of society to find hearing-impaired people anymore. He does a majority of his work from a huge skyscraper not too far from here, meaning he has plenty of time to plot a move into politics.
My lips curl into a smile when he issues the greeting he usually does when I get a head start on my day. “Good morning. I missed your snuggles this morning.”
“Good morning, and I’m sorry. I was a little eager to get to work.”
Julian is gorgeous, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t also smart. “To download Brandon’s email?”
Even though he can’t see me, I nod. “Yes. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about the photo and for contacting BJ behind your back.”
His sigh makes me even more disappointed in myself. He only ever sighs when he’s upset. “I’m not angry you reached out to Brandon. I just wish you would have kept me in the loop. I have men very capable of finding out any information you want, Mel. All you need to do is ask.”
“I know, this is just different…” I pause to consider how I can explain that to Julian without hurting his feelings.
Mercifully, Julian knows me better than I give him credit for. “He’s your past, so you can’t help but run to him when it’s a matter concerning your past.”
He can’t see me, but I nod my head, nonetheless.
My belief he has superpowers doubles when he adds, “But I’m your future, Mel, and anything happening to you right now is my responsibility.”
“I know…” When he sighs, I add on more convincingly, “I do. I just didn’t want you caught up in this mess.”
“Your mess is my mess. I thought you understood that when you agreed to become my wife?”
“I did, and I still do.” I almost roll my eyes at the dimness of my voice. I don’t sound like a woman who graduated at the top of her class. No one feels smart when they’re bringing up subjects that make them want to sob. “But these people killed my parents, Julian. They destroyed my life. I don’t want to share how much that affected me with men who don’t have the faintest clue what