Whatever had happened that night, I hadn’t hurt the only person who loved me. The notebook was nothing but a distraction, the dramatic angst of a sixteen-year-old who hadn’t yet learned the art of subtlety.
Ping.
The alert from my phone had me walking back into the room to glance at the screen. It said: Appointment with Dr. Binchy, 10 a.m.
The last thing I needed right now was to lose time in a surgeon’s office, but it would be even worse to miss the appointment and screw up my leg any further. Leaving the reminder on the home screen, I walked into the bathroom. I managed a shower by sitting on the stool Shanti had put in there and using the handheld shower attachment. Then I got dressed.
Remembering something else I’d glimpsed in the notebook, I picked it up and flicked through it until I found the entry. My eyes narrowed. I’d almost forgotten that incident, but now the voice—hard and male and hot with anger—was vivid in my mind.
And that voice wasn’t my father’s.
Gears turning, I decided to hide the notebook back in the closet, then headed downstairs. My sister was at the kitchen counter quietly eating her cereal.
Slipping in beside her, I took the coffee Shanti held out with a smile. Not my favorite source of caffeine, but it’d do in the morning.
“Good morning.” I tugged on one of Pari’s pigtails.
Her head stayed down.
When I looked at Shanti, she gave me a tight smile, then prepared another cup of coffee. Black, two sugars. My father’s preference. When she left to deliver it, I took the chance to send a couple of texts to my friend Thien. We’d met at university, where I was kicking around doing a half-hearted attempt at an arts degree, and he wasn’t doing much of anything—though he’d honed the skill of getting people what they wanted.
Today, I asked him for a favor, offering him three hundred bucks for his trouble.
Four, he messaged back. It’s goddamn raining.
Thien was a friend, but he was also mercenary as fuck. We got along great.
I didn’t try to speak to Pari until after we were in the car on the way to school. “You heard Dad last night, huh?”
A nod I caught out of the corner of my eye.
“He was drunk and you know he gets extra mean when he’s drunk.” Never would I leave my sister unprotected—even if that protection was by knowledge. “Stay out of his way when he gets like that.” He’d never laid a hand on me, but I was male. I didn’t know if he’d offer his daughter the same courtesy.
“After I move back out, you call me if he ever starts hurting either you or your mum.” Shanti had never given any indication that my father was physically violent, but Shanti also believed that a husband should be treated as a god.
Yeah, my father had definitely gotten what he wanted the second time around.
“How come he’s so mean and you’re so nice?”
The plaintive question had a laugh building in the back of my throat. Maybe my mother hadn’t been the only person who’d ever loved me. Stopping in front of the school, I thought about what to say that wouldn’t shatter her illusions. She had the right nickname, my kid sister. Pari, pronounced close to how the French pronounced “Paris,” had a fantastical meaning: fairy, sprite.
It suited her far better than her full name, Parineeti. And even my twisted soul couldn’t bear to dull the sweet magic that glowed inside her. For Pari, I’d wear another self, the self that was a good, caring brother. “Because I made a decision to never be like him.” True enough; she didn’t have to know I hadn’t wholly succeeded.
Paige’s terrified face flashed into my mind, bloodless, eyes stark. “You need help, Aarav. The rage you have inside you . . . it’s poisonous and it scares me.”
“Are you like your mum?” My sister’s high voice merged with the memory of Paige’s trembling one. “I want to be like my mum.”
I swallowed to wet a dry throat. “Yes, I’m like my mum.” Full of secrets and lies and a broken ability to love. “Go on. You don’t want to be late.”
I watched after her until she disappeared safely behind the school gates. Then I drove out, heading back to my mother’s grave through a misty rain. But I didn’t go along the main road—I turned off into a rough parking area in front of