His shoulders sank, and his hand went back over his eyes. After a moment of silence, his hand dropped to his side. “I’m not fooling anyone. I can’t even get my sister to listen to me.” He turned on his heel, leaving her in the garden.
Ollie pushed at her thigh, hoping she would run with him again, but she had lost all her desire to play. She had won; Nicholas had left her alone. So why did it feel like defeat?
Patience groaned and sprang forward to catch up with him. The pebbles on the path crunched beneath her feet. She clasped her brother’s warm hand and pulled him to a stop.
“Stay with me for a while. Let the sun warm your clothing, at least, before you go back inside to look over papers.”
His hand tightened around hers, and he turned to face her. “I can’t.”
“Not even for a minute?”
“I don’t expect you to understand. You are a lady born of privilege. You don’t have to worry about stains or tears on your dress; the servants will fix them. You’ve never had anyone rely on you or had any work to do, and you will go from living a life of privilege here to a life of privilege in your husband’s household. Just like Mother. Go.” He squeezed her fingers once and then let them go. “Play in the sun. Who knows how long it will last? You are one of the few people in England who doesn’t really have to grow up if you don’t want to.”
Play in the sun? The heat of the day was nothing compared to the heat that burst into her chest. Did her brother really think so little of her? For something she had absolutely no control over? The fact that she was a woman? And her station in life? Other than her wild curls and broad mouth, she was nothing like Mama. Patience had been here for every minute of their two-year mourning period, agreeing with Nicholas that they should extend their mourning in response to Mama’s lack of propriety. Mama hadn’t lasted a month. Just because Patience chose to be cheerful at times didn’t mean she couldn’t be appropriately sorrowful when occasion called for it.
“You were born to just as much privilege as I was, Nicholas. More even.”
He stood tall. A gleam in his eye told her he was anxious for a confrontation.
“Yes, but I like to believe my time in the army cured me of any frivolousness, just as Father had hoped it would. You will have no such opportunity.”
“So you have given up on me being a decent person?” The sun no longer felt bright or warming. How could her brother think such terrible things of her?
“I’ve given up on teaching you to be one. You will be whatever person you decide to be. I have no control over it.”
“Am I so bad that I need to be changed completely?” Her voice quivered, and she tried to regain the anger she had felt before. She knew she disappointed her brother often enough, but she hadn’t known it was to this extent.
Nicholas shrugged his shoulders. “It isn’t that you are bad. It’s just that I see in you the potential to be so much more, if only society weren’t so bent on you being a lady of leisure. I know because I was the same. I wouldn’t trade my time in the army for anything in the world. My only regret is not seeing Father more during those years. But there is nothing like that for you, and I wish there was. I’ve often wondered if Mother would have been different if she’d had the opportunity to work, even for a few months.”
Patience breathed in slowly through her nose. He was lashing out at Mama, not her. “Nicholas, we both know I am not Mama.” Mama had returned home refreshed and happy after her time in France. Ready to plan every aspect of Patience’s coming out three or four times over. She never mentioned Papa or apologized for leaving her children when they needed her the most.
Nicholas scraped the toe of his shoe on the ground and then looked up with a wan smile. “No, of course you’re not.” He smiled, but it was forced. She knew that smile; it was the one he wore every time Mama walked into the room. There was no happiness behind it. “The sun is nice today. Thank you for getting me out of my study.