family was suffering—that Alice was dying—because of Lord Williams and Mr. Northam. How would we ever be happy again?
Anger, fiercer than I had ever experienced, rushed over me. “Alice. Wake up. You have slept long enough. Do not give those men the satisfaction of seeing that their actions affect us. Be strong. Alice!”
She didn’t stir, didn’t give any sign that she had heard me. I pressed her hand with my own. “Alice, please wake up. You are being incredibly selfish. You have always been given everything you want. It is time to give something back. Wake up!”
Nothing.
This wasn’t right. It wasn’t fair. This wasn’t the way things were supposed to have turned out. I clenched my teeth. “You cannot go. You cannot leave us. I will not let you!”
But where was the authority of an empty threat shouted into the night? I had no power: no power over my past, no power over my future, and no power over Alice’s life. My words were as meaningless as Lord Williams’s had been when he’d stated he would never allow love to die.
My throat closed and my eyes stung. There was no one to see the pain now. There was no reason to be strong any longer.
I laid my head next to hers. “I love you,” I whispered. “I’m sorry. So very sorry. I was wrong to not hide my emotions. I was wrong to be so openly defiant of Mother and Father. Please don’t die. You mustn’t leave us. We need you. I need you.”
Intertwining my fingers with hers, I gently squeezed. “Please, Alice. If you get better, I promise—I don’t know what I promise. I’ll do anything. Only, please, get better.”
Thirty-Seven
I awoke and glanced around, disoriented. The room was completely dark except for the glowing embers in the fireplace.
The fire. The closed curtains. The body next to me.
Alice.
Nothing indicated whether it was still night or early morning. I shifted, wanting to move farther from Alice so I could rise without disturbing her. But as I moved, a freezing fear seeped through me.
Alice’s hand was cold.
I sat up and stared at her. There was no movement in her chest, no trace of color in her face.
She had died while I had slept. I hadn’t even noticed.
Anguish wrenched a convulsive sob from my chest. I gently untangled my fingers from hers.
She didn’t look at peace, as I had been told people looked once they passed. Her arms lay unnaturally straight by her side. Clasping her hands, I crossed them over her chest. Then I pressed my lips to her face.
Her forehead wasn’t cold. Her face was as hot as it had been the night before. Hope exploded in my chest. I turned my head so my cheek rested near her mouth and waited.
A small, almost undetectable breath brushed my cheek.
Alice was alive. She had lived through the night.
I quickly rubbed her arms and hands, blowing on them as I did, trying to warm them. Then I tucked them beneath the bedclothes and hurried to build up the fire. Opening the door to go in search of Mary, I paused as my mother appeared at the top of the stairs, looking rested and guilty. She must have slept through all that had happened last night.
She froze when she saw me. My throat constricted at her pained expression. “She’s alive,” I rasped past the burn in my throat.
Relief softened her features. “Thank you,” she whispered, her voice shaking. I stepped out of her way as she entered the room, then retreated to my own room to wash and change.
There was no trunk near the bed; Mary must have already unpacked for me and had the trunk returned to the attic. It was as though I had never left.
I opened my drapes and leaned my forehead against the window. There was no river glistening below me. No stretch of fields and oaks. Just the small, formal garden off to the side and the path leading down to the lake.
How was I ever to enjoy that garden again?
But my lake. I needed my lake. At least Lord Williams hadn’t ruined that for me.
There was no way to visit it this morning; I couldn’t leave the house when I might be needed at any moment. Yet being alone with my thoughts when they constantly found their way back to Lord Williams was torture.
I left my room and made my way down the stairs, meeting my father on his way up. “She’s alive.”