The Program Page 0,76
lip. “I’m . . .” He clears his throat. “I’m leaving tomorrow, Sloane.”
There’s a heavy pain in my chest. “Oh.” We stare at each for a long minute, and then I hold up my arms and Realm climbs onto the bed to hug me. We stay like that for a long time before he sniffles and wipes his face.
“This is the first time I’ve seen you cry,” I say, my own voice choked up.
“Can I ask you something, Sloane?” Realm’s voice is low like he’s not sure he should.
“Of course.”
He pauses. “Can we see each other again—after all of this is over?”
I furrow my brow, thinking it’s a strange question to ask. That of course I would see him again. But inside, I feel doubt—that maybe I didn’t intend to find Realm. Like there’s something holding me back from him. When I don’t answer right away, he nods, a tear sliding down the side of his nose.
“I should go,” he says. “I’ve got to get back to the boys. They’re having a going-away party for me.”
“And I wasn’t invited?” I ask, not wanting Realm to leave. I feel terrible, like I’m a bad friend to him.
“Sorry, sweetness,” he says. “Guys only.”
Realm stands but I reach out to take his arm, stopping him from walking away. He pauses, looking down at the floor as if he’s afraid to turn to me. I climb out of bed and pull him into a hug, resting my cheek against his chest.
“I’ll miss you,” I say. “I’ll miss you madly.”
Realm squeezes me tightly then, his arm clasped around me. “I’ll miss you, too.”
And when he pulls back, I give him a soft peck on the lips, hoping it’s enough. Hoping it shows how much I care. But by the sad smile on his face, I know it’s not. So I let him leave.
• • •
The nurse gives me permission to take one last walk with Realm, so we go out to the garden. It’s sunny and bright, and I think again how beautiful the flowers look. Realm’s ride will be here in less than a half hour, and then he’ll be gone.
I reach out to take his hand, surprised by how cool it is. He bumps his shoulder into mine, and we walk a little longer.
“Tabitha is leaving on Monday,” I tell him. “She’s got her new haircut, some new clothes. Shep’s getting a new style too—and hopefully some deodorant.” I look sideways at Realm and drop his hand. “How come they didn’t make you over?”
“Maybe there isn’t anything to improve on.”
I laugh. “Well, Dr. Warren says that the return is easier if we freshen up our looks. I think she might be right. I’m thinking of straightening my hair.”
Realm reaches up suddenly, holding a handful of my curls. “No,” he says. “Your hair’s beautiful.” He shrugs. “You’re beautiful.”
I blush, but then back away, letting my hair fall from his palm.
Realm kicks at some pebbles on the path. “Sloane, if things were different, if we weren’t in The Program . . . do you think we could be together?”
Prickles race up my skin, and I’m sure that I don’t know the answer. Realm steps closer and puts his hands on my bare upper arms. “I could take care of you if you want,” he says. “And when you get out of here, I’d be there.”
“I don’t want anyone to take care of me,” I say. “I want to figure out how to take care of myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”
“I know you,” he says, sounding somber. “And I’d do anything for you, even if you can’t understand why right now.” He watches me for a long moment, no doubt trying to see if I feel something for him other than friendship.
I wonder then how I’ll know when I’m in love, especially if I don’t know what it feels like. Have I ever been in love before? Did anyone love me back?
“If you look for me, Sloane,” Realm says, “I’ll be waiting.”
I’m suddenly choked up, and I lean into a hug, closing my eyes tightly. “Thank you for everything, Realm. Thank you for—”
“Michael,” a voice calls out. We separate. Nurse Kell is waving to him from across the lawn, a blond woman in dark sunglasses beside her. Realm stiffens next to me, and his hands fall away. He meets my eyes one more time and kisses my forehead. Then he moves to pause by my ear.
“They’ll still watch you,” he whispers. “They’ll