The Program Page 0,62
boyfriend. He’s not James.
I close my eyes and lower my head to his chest, hugging him and hoping he won’t send me away. I don’t want to be alone right now. Realm immediately starts to apologize, but I stop him.
“It’s not you. I’m . . . I’m with James,” I tell him, not sure if it’s cruel to say. “I love him.”
Realm adjusts his position, but doesn’t push me aside. Instead he wraps me in a hug. “I understand,” he whispers.
“I’m going to find him again,” I say, mostly to myself. “The Program can’t erase James from my heart. I know they can’t.”
“If it’s meant to be . . . ,” Realm says, sounding like my mother. But underneath, I hear his hurt. I don’t respond and just let him hold me, knowing that I shouldn’t be here like this. But no one ever comes in to make me go back to my room. And when I start to fall asleep, I think that my guilt is gone—if only for a moment.
I’ve become comfortably numb.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
I WAKE UP AND LOOK AROUND AT THE STARK WHITE walls. I’m alone in my bed, alone in my room. After falling asleep at Realm’s, I woke up at about three in the morning and made my way back to my own bed, feeling empty.
When I walk into the dining room, Realm is waiting at the table for me, a stupid grin on his face. His friends whistle as I walk up wearing my lemon-yellow scrubs, holding a tray of scrambled eggs. Realm elbows Shep in the chest. “Get out of here, man.” But the smile never falters.
“What’s going on?” I ask when I’m sitting next to him. I don’t care if they’re gossiping about me—not really. At least that way they won’t try to hit on me. And after Roger, I hope no one ever does again.
Realm shrugs. “They may have noticed a girl going into my room with me last night. If they figured out it was you, and thought we got it on, it’s not my fault.”
“You didn’t deny it?”
“Nope. And it’s still not my fault. You should have worn a disguise if you didn’t want to be noticed.” Realm reaches over and opens my milk carton for me, and then absently goes back to his eggs. I stare down at the milk, thinking that opening it was a sweet gesture, even if slightly possessive.
“I meant to ask,” I say, “how much longer do you have here?”
Realm pauses, but doesn’t look up. “Two weeks. And you’ll have a week and a half after that.”
Panic starts to pull at me, making it hard to breathe. “A week and a half is a long time.” My voice cracks, and I’m suddenly terrified of being here alone. Being all alone with nobody but the stranger with my face. And Roger—who is definitely pissed now.
“Sweetness,” Realm says. “It’s going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I whisper. “I’ll forget everything. And then Roger—what about him? What will he do when I can’t fight him off ?”
Realm’s posture changes. “Roger won’t mess with you again. I promise. I won’t let him.”
“You won’t be here.”
Realm looks sideways at me, his expression deadly serious. “I’m giving you my word that I won’t let him. I don’t care what I have to do, he’ll never touch you again.” He sounds like he means it. Although I’m scared something might happen to him, Realm just smiles, making my worry evaporate.
Then he leans forward to put a soft kiss on my cheek, one that smells like breakfast, and goes back to eating.
• • •
Dr. Francis examines me again, and says that I’ve regained a pound. He’s pleased as he adjusts my medication dosage, saying that I’ve made such strides in my recovery that he can finally lower it. I want to believe him, but I don’t. Not when he still works for The Program.
After I’m checked over, he ushers me to Dr. Warren’s office. She looks happy to see me, her hair pulled into a high, girlish ponytail, her suit replaced with a colorful blouse.
“You look cheerful,” I mumble as I walk in. She smiles at this.
“Thought you could use a change. Do we need Marilyn today?” She slides the Dixie cup toward me.
“Yep.”
I can see her tense, but she just waves her hand and the nurse comes in, holding me still as she stabs me with the needle. It doesn’t take as long this time for my fight to go out. I