The Program Page 0,58

looking for any excuse to flag us. All we could feel was the pressure of it.”

I turn away, thinking again about how relieved I was to see that James was okay. “That day he gave me a ride home. And then the next. It started to feel like the only time we were normal was when we were together. We would tuck ourselves away where we could cry and no one else could see us. As the weeks passed, we started to talk about other things. About leaving town again, just me and him. About being together forever.”

My chest swells as I remember our first time, how scared I was. We were camping, snuggling on a blanket next to the warm fire. I was so in love with him.

I close my eyes now and think about how James kissed my neck, his mouth hot. His hands gentle on my skin. Soon he was kissing me passionately, seeming to want me more than ever before.

His knee moved between my legs, and I pulled his shirt over his head when he stopped, gasping for breath. “Wait,” he said. “We shouldn’t.”

His blue eyes were heavy lidded, filled with desire. Lust. I pulled him down and kissed him again, working at his belt, even when he told me again that we didn’t have to. He’d brought protection, which showed me he’d at least considered it could happen. And we used it, just like we always would after.

I open my eyes and see Dr. Warren waiting for the story. I wish I didn’t have to tell her anything, but I just can’t stop. I hate that I can’t stop because I know what it means. She’s going to steal this moment away from me, and the thought is unbearable.

“The night James and I first had sex,” I say, “it wasn’t about our hormones. It was desperate, sad, even a little painful. And then it was beautiful and hopeful. It was a promise we made to each other, that we would protect each other. Take care of each other.

“James told me he loved me, and that he would never let anything happen to me. I promised the same—” I choke on my words. “But I lied. I didn’t protect him. I tried so hard, but I wasn’t strong enough. They came and they took him. And now he doesn’t love me anymore.”

I cover my face and start sobbing, realizing how much it hurts to be alive. How I don’t want to live with the loss. “I have nothing,” I say through my hands. “I’m all alone now.”

“You’re not,” Dr. Warren asks. “I’m not saying James is a bad guy. Neither is Brady or Miller or Lacey. But they’re the reason you’re really here. They were infected, Sloane. They infected you. And now you have to get better. Just like a cancer, we have to cut out what’s making you sick.”

I look at her, still hating her, but with the pain raging in my chest, maybe a little less so.

“Here.” She offers the yellow pill. “Take it. Empower yourself, sweetheart. It’ll make everything right.”

I consider her offer. Then I think of Roger’s disgusting mouth on mine. I think of how his purple pill will let me hold on to some of my memories. So instead I look at Dr. Warren and say, “Go to hell.”

And then someone grabs me, and I feel a pinch in my arm.

CHAPTER NINE

“SLOANE,” A VOICE WHISPERS.

My eyes flip open, and I start to scream as I see a figure next to my bed.

“Shh . . . shh . . . ,” Realm says, quickly putting his finger to his lips. He shoots a cautious look at the door, and I force myself to quiet down.

“You scared the hell out of me,” I whisper, and then lean closer so that I can see him better in the dim room. The only light comes from the moon outside the sealed window. I pause when he comes into focus. “Your eye.”

Realm has a black eye that looks like it might still hurt.

“It’s fine,” he says, waving me off. “I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Didn’t mean to leave so abruptly.” He grins, but he’s checking me over, making sure I’m all right.

“It was very rude,” I offer. Then I sit up and wrap my arms around his neck. He chuckles and holds me gently, almost like he’s embarrassed that we’re in an embrace. “I was so lonely,” I say.

Realm reaches to smooth