The Program Page 0,56
comes for me.
Slowly, I slide out of bed, careful to step around the mess and then clean it up with toilet paper, flushing it away. My breath comes out in jagged gasps, like I might get sick again at any moment. There is a sour taste in my mouth, but behind that—is peppermint.
I lean over the toilet and gag again.
• • •
When I walk into the now half-empty dining room, I’m sure I look bad. I feel hungover; my eyes are bloodshot, and my greasy hair is pulled back into a ponytail. But people don’t seem to notice, and it occurs to me that it’s better not to be pretty here. It’s better to go unnoticed.
I find where I left my tray and pretend to pick at the roll still on my plate. I drink the apple juice, anything to mask the flavors lingering in my mouth. Tabitha’s staring at me from across the room as if she’s studying me, but soon she lowers her gaze.
I wonder if Roger has offered her the pill. I want to ask her, but how can I ask something like that? And what if he hasn’t? She could turn me in and get me sent away for longer.
I miss Realm. I hope that Roger was telling me the truth when he said that Realm would come back soon. What if they’re hurting him? Oh, God. What if they’re erasing me from his memory?
Just then I see Nurse Kell walk into the room, and I jump up to go talk to her. She looks alarmed and then pleased that I sought her out.
“Hello, Sloane, honey. Are you feeling better?”
“Yes. But . . . is Realm okay?”
She smiles, reminding me again of a grandmother. “Michael Realm is just fine. He’s cooling off with Dr. Warren right now. He won’t be sleeping in the wards tonight, I’m afraid. But I hope he’ll rejoin us tomorrow.”
I almost burst out crying. “Will he remember me?” I ask in a small voice.
Nurse Kell shakes her head as if it’s a silly question. “Of course. Why wouldn’t he?”
I let out a held breath, but I still can’t stand it. How they all act as if there’s nothing wrong going on here. As if they’re not erasing our minds. “Thank you” is all I can manage as I head out of the room and into the hallway.
• • •
I skip out on the card game, and sit in my room playing solitaire instead, with a pack of cards Nurse Kell lent me. I listen to the hall, hoping to hear Realm’s laugh. I dread seeing Roger walk by, or worse, stop in. But the place is quiet.
I fall asleep easily, even without swallowing the pills Nurse Kell brings me. When I wake up, I have an early-morning appointment with Dr. Warren, but I take the long way around and go by Realm’s room. He’s still not back.
I go inside Dr. Warren’s office, and she beams like she’s thrilled to see me. “Sloane,” she says. “You’re looking well today.”
I know she’s lying because I haven’t showered or even bothered checking my reflection. I did take a hot washcloth and wipe my neck to clean everywhere that Roger’s mouth touched me. I scrubbed it so raw that it left a rash on my skin. I see Dr. Warren’s eyes flick to the spot, but she doesn’t mention it.
“Before we start . . .” She slides the cup with the red pill toward me, but I shake my head.
“I don’t need it. Thank you.”
She smiles. “You will take the pill, Sloane. We’ve already been over this.”
I know from what Roger told me that the pill helps isolate memories, highlights them to be taken later. I don’t want to put it in my mouth. I want to crush it under my socked heel.
“Have we?” I say. “Maybe I don’t remember.”
Dr. Warren’s jaw tightens. “Follow procedures if you want to be released.”
“I’m not taking it,” I shoot back. What should be doctorly advice from her feels more like a threat. My anger starts to bubble over.
“Last chance,” she says, leveling her gaze on mine.
I lean toward her. “I’m not taking the fucking pill, okay?”
Dr. Warren doesn’t even flinch. She sits back calmly in her leather chair. “Marilyn,” she calls behind me. A large woman in a white nurse’s uniform stalks in, a needle poised in her hand. I barely have time to register what’s going on before I feel it pierce the skin on my upper arm.
“What