The Program Page 0,122

could have all that power, all the power to make me whole again. “He only gave me one?” I ask, thinking of James.

“There is only one,” she whispers. “And now it’s yours. Michael is giving you the choice that The Program didn’t. But he was very clear that if you take this pill, you might never forgive him. You might hate him.”

And suddenly I wonder what secrets Realm has been keeping from me. “I could never hate him,” I say, even though now I’m not so sure.

“Easy to say when you don’t remember.” She walks away then, pulling open the front door, but stopping to look back at me. “You’ll be the only one who remembers, Sloane, and that in itself could be a curse. I hope you choose wisely. I’d hate to hear that you couldn’t handle it, and terminated.” She presses her lips into a sympathetic smile. “I think that sometimes the only real thing is now.”

I don’t answer, and watch as she goes inside, leaving me on the darkened porch of my lost friend’s house. I gaze down at the bag, my back to James as I reach inside to take out the pill. I stare at it so long that my vision starts to tunnel—the color just a streak across my mental picture.

I blink quickly and look at it again, wondering how it would change me—getting my life back. I’d remember Brady’s death—feel that pain all over again. And then there’s the life I had with James. I could take this pill and remember everything, but James still wouldn’t. Can I really handle loving him completely when he’s still so new to accepting us? Or what if we never really loved each other at all? What if Realm was wrong about that?

I could give James the pill, but what if he finds some horrible truth about Brady or me or his mother? He could realize that there really isn’t anyone to trust. Maybe we all betrayed each other.

It’s like I hold a lifetime in my fingers. I’d be complete, but at the same time . . . what if I don’t like who I was?

I look to the sky where the sun has set, leaving the clouds streaked in the same shade of orange as the pill. Realm has given me a gift—a choice. He’s given me his friendship, his love, and in my way, I love him back. But he said I wouldn’t forgive him for the things I’d find lost in my head. Do I believe that? Do I believe him?

Tears race down my cheeks, and I stare down, one small object so full of information. Life. Loss. Right now, I have what I need. I have James. A way out of here. But this could all be a lie, a hanging string to be pulled, unraveling everything.

Can I stand knowing what happened to my brother that day? James and I were there, but we hadn’t stopped it. There’s the slash on my wrist. The way my mother looks at me, filled with concern and knowledge. God, what if I was a horrible person? Maybe . . . maybe that’s why I wanted to die. Maybe I was the reason James wanted to die.

A small whimper escapes my lips as I let the pill drop back into the bag. I want to crush it under the heel of my shoe, but I’m terrified that I’ll change my mind later. So I fold the bag into a small plastic square and stuff it into the back pocket of my jeans. I won’t take it, but I won’t destroy it, either. At least not yet.

And with that choice, my heart breaks. I’m saying good-bye to who I used to be. Who I can never really be again. The people I once knew are different. Some are changed like me, others are dead. Knowing that can only bring me more pain. More agony.

I miss Realm, and I’m glad I won’t know what he doesn’t want me to remember. This way, I’ll forever keep him as my friend and hero. There’s nothing wrong with that.

This is the only choice.

I straighten my posture as I glance down the driveway to where James is parked, loving me madly. Loving me for who I am now.

We’ll meet Lacey and Kevin and sneak away, start over somewhere else. We’ll leave our parents, our lives. But most of all, we’ll leave the reach of The Program.

And as I walk back to the car,