The Program Page 0,116

this spot, years watching my brother jump into the river. He loved it here, and the fact that James does too only confirms that they were close. That we’d all spent a lot of time together.

James spreads out the blanket, and then when I’m next to him, we sit quietly, arms resting on our bent knees as we watch the water.

And for a minute, I feel like I’m home. Not my actual house, which is currently strangling me with the lies that I’ve been told. But my true home, here at the river with James, with the memories of Brady. I have the urge to rest my head on James’s shoulder, but I don’t think I should.

James shifts and his body bumps mine, knocking me sideways. He mumbles a halfhearted apology and then lies back, putting his hands behind his head as he stares up at the clouds.

I settle next to him, looking around us, the cool breeze sending goose bumps over my skin. It’s so peaceful here that I don’t think I ever want to leave.

After some time passes, James yawns dramatically. “Hey,” he says. “You want to go swimming?” He looks over at me, squinting his blue eyes against the sun.

“It’s cold. And besides, I don’t know how to swim.”

“Seriously?”

I nod.

James sits up, curling his leg underneath him, an expression of disbelief on his face. “Well that’s just goddamn sad, Sloane. What are you, five? Get undressed. I’m teaching you right now.”

I laugh. “First, no. I’m afraid of water. And second, why am I getting undressed again?”

His lips curve up. “You don’t have to be scared. I won’t let you drown.”

My heart is pounding at the thought of getting in the water, but James isn’t helping to calm me down. “And the clothing option?” I ask.

“That would just be for fun. I promised fun, remember?”

I shove him then, laughing as I do. James stands, towering over me as I lie on my side, staring up at him. “Come on,” he says, seriously. “Come in the water with me. I’ll take my clothes off too.”

“Something tells me you just really want me to see you naked.”

“Maybe you’ll be impressed.”

“Oh my God.” James has a talent for making me forget the world around us, for making it all feel normal. I’m sure that’s why I loved him. Or at least part of why.

Even though it’s barely sixty degrees outside, James pulls his shirt over his head, the muscles corded and strong over his body. He pulls down his shorts and stands in just his boxer briefs, windmilling his arms as he stretches. He glances over at me. “See. You look impressed.”

I smile. “Maybe a little.”

“Do you need help with your shirt?”

“No, I think I’ll keep it on. But I will enjoy watching you freeze your ass off.”

“So impressed,” he says over his shoulder as he walks to the water. He swims out to a small boat dock on the other side of the bank, waving to me once he’s on it. Then he does a flip before splashing into the river below, reminding me of my brother when he does.

His clothes lie in the grass, crumpled up. I consider hiding them, leaving him to drive home in a pair of wet boxer briefs. James is splashing, yelling in a shaky voice that he’s not even cold. I pick up his jeans and fold them over my arm, looking toward the path. But when I start to walk, something falls out of his pocket.

At first I worry that I lost his house key or something important, but then I spy an object a few feet away. When I recognize it, tingles race over my skin. I get down on my knees and crawl over to it. I drop James’s pants and pick up what I’d so nearly lost.

It’s a ring. A pink plastic heart similar to the one I’d found in my mattress. James must have given me the other one, and it must have meant something for me to save it. For a second there’s a hint of a memory, just a flash of me stuffing it into my bed, but I can’t hold on to it. Instead I start to cry. I clutch the ring to my chest and then fold over, my cheek on the grass.

I’m not complete. I’m missing a huge piece of my heart, memories of things I must have said and done, things I can’t have back. I want them, all of them. I want