Mia is still yammering on excessively as the driver pulls into my driveway. She hasn’t stopped bragging about the guy she met at the Billie Eilish concert since we left, making the short drive back from Nashville seem never ending. It’s not like this is anything new for her; Mia gets hit on by guys everywhere we go. She’s just that type—blonde, tall, thin, tan. The kind that makes girls like me feel invisible to the male population when you’re standing next to them.
Unlike most girls I know though, Mia always demands they acknowledge me.
“This is my best friend, Gwen. Isn’t she gorgeous?”
It’s one of the many reasons I love her so much. The first time she did it, I was floored. And a little bit embarrassed.
It almost feels like a test in a way. Seeing if they’re worth her time by gauging how they treat me. However, I certainly don’t care if some fuck boy who can’t even remember your name at the end of the conversation notices me.
There’s only one guy I want to pay attention to me, and there’s no chance of that happening. He hasn’t seen me—really seen me—for years. His stare holds nothing except cold disdain for me now. And maybe I deserve that. I’m the bitch who broke his heart, after all. He’ll never let me get close to him again.
“Hello,” Mia says, “earth to Gwen.”
Her mouth twists with annoyance as I meet her gaze. “What?”
“You haven’t heard a single word I said,” she huffs. “And your eyes have been glued to your phone most of the night. Are you expecting a life-altering phone call or something?”
My gaze flickers down to the iPhone tightly gripped in my hand, the lit screen mocking me with the lack of notifications. There hasn’t been a single message from him for weeks. I’m not sure if he figured me out or simply got bored. It’s a blessing in disguise. Whatever was going on between us needed to stop, and I was clearly too weak to put an end to what I started.
“Oh, sorry.” I shove the phone into my purse and give her an apologetic smile. “I must’ve zoned out for a minute.”
“Is there a boy you’re not telling me about?”
My chest tightens as I shake my head. She doesn’t know anything about the weeks I spent exchanging messages with a certain boy. That’s a secret I plan to take to my grave. It’s too pathetic. No way am I going to admit to it out loud. “Nope.”
I’m as single as they come. No boyfriends; not even a date in years. I’ve only had the one. Not that anyone knows about him either. My love life, or lack thereof, is tragic.
Her head tilts, pity weighing down her features. “You know it’s because guys are intimidated by you, right?”
My best friend means well, but her need to make me feel better only makes me more self-conscious. It’s not that I think I’m ugly. But I’m the you’ve got such a gorgeous face girl or the you’d be a knockout if you lost some weight girl. By society’s beauty standards, I’m too curvy to be beautiful. It’s something I’ve lived with my entire life. Even my own mother makes me insecure about my weight—constantly purchasing health-conscious foods and making comments about my eating habits. Which are no different than Mia’s. Yet she’s a perfect size six, while I’m double that.
Learning to love yourself isn’t easy, especially when everything and everyone says you shouldn’t. It’s taken me years to look in the mirror and not hate what I see. I’m still a work in progress, but I’ve come a long way from my eating disorder days.
I scoff as the driver parks outside my front door. “You’re so full of shit, but I appreciate it.”
“Stop that,” she scolds, playfully swatting my arm. “Half the guys at Westbrook High would be lining up to date you if they thought they had a chance. Cory has been trying to get your number since freshman year. The problem is you’re too picky.”
She’s not totally wrong about that. Only it’s not by choice. The heart wants what the heart wants, and mine belongs to someone already. Even if he stopped claiming it.
“Wanting to date someone you can hold an intelligible conversation with isn’t too much to ask,” I deride. “Cory’s sweet, but I think he’s been hit in the head one too many times.”
Cory is like one of those token characters you see in teen movies.