It meant we’d have to address the conversation we were supposed to have in Mal’s room, before we’d been sidetracked by Xavier’s mess.
But god, I wanted to sleep next to Mal. I longed to have another warm body in my big, cold bed—and I wanted him beside me, specifically.
So I steeled myself and crawled into the bed beside him. The mattress was big enough that there was plenty of space between us, and yet I wanted to roll closer, tug him into my arms, press his back to my chest and kiss his nape. The intensity of that want was… still surprising, but not unfamiliar, at this point. I shut off the light and turned on my side toward him; Mal turned the other way and I took a moment to admire the broad plane of his back.
The silence lingered, but from the pace of Mal’s breathing, I knew he was still awake.
“Hey,” I murmured.
Mal rolled over, turning toward me. Even in the dark room, having his gaze on me was simultaneously soothing and exciting.
“What are we doing here?” I asked.
Mal smiled, only a little hesitantly. “Kind of overdue for this conversation, huh?”
“Yeah,” I said. “We’re a little too old to be beating around the bush like this, don’t you think?”
“And we’ve seen it happen a few too many times,” Mal said teasingly.
“God, don’t remind me,” I said. “Gunnar and Raven drove me crazy dancing around each other.”
“They were still learning at that age,” Mal said. “Hadn’t had the experience we’ve got.”
“I know, I know,” I said. “Still. They could’ve benefited from a conversation like this a little earlier.”
“What kind of conversation is this?” Mal asked.
I pressed my lips together. That was a good question—what did I need to tell him? What did I want to know? What did I want us to be?
Mal must’ve sensed my uncertainty, because he huffed a laugh and said, “I’ll go first. I was intending to have this conversation earlier, anyway.” He paused and took a breath, but then a smile spread across his face. “So, I’ve been having these dreams.”
“Dreams?” I raised my eyebrows. “Good dreams, I hope.”
Mal bit his lower lip. “Yeah, they’re good dreams. About you. And—and I mean, it’s pretty obvious there’s… something between us.”
“I’ve been having dreams, too,” I admitted, even as my face flushed. “Makes me feel like I’m in my twenties again.”
“I’m attracted to you,” Mal said unashamedly. “Pretty powerfully. But—I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, you know? Our friendship comes first. Our club comes first.”
God, he was such a good man. The obvious concern in his eyes made me feel comfortable talking about my hesitations—he obviously wouldn’t take it as a personal slight against himself.
“Obviously, I’m attracted to you, too,” I acknowledged, and even though it was, to me, obvious, Mal’s eyes still widened like he hadn’t expected me to say it. “But I’m still feeling a little… at sea about it, I guess. I don’t know what we should do. I don’t know what I’m comfortable with.”
Mal nodded, but said nothing, silently encouraging me to continue.
“I feel so comfortable with you. But…” I paused as my tongue tripped over the words. It wasn’t quite embarrassing to admit it, but it was… vulnerable. I’d never thought it’d be something I’d have to tell anyone else. Mal deserved to know, though. Deserved to know why this was so challenging for me. “I haven’t been with anyone since Ankh. I mean—before or after. He was my first, and I thought he’d be my only.”
Mal’s eyes softened, and he reached out, then folded one hand over mind.
“I still love him, even though he’s gone,” I said. “And—and I know I always will. I haven’t wanted anyone since his death. Until now. And sometimes I get caught up in my head, thinking—should I be feeling this way? Is it too soon?”
Something inside my chest twisted, sudden and painful. It was the first time I’d voiced those thoughts, and it incited a mixture of pain, guilt, and relief at finally saying it. I hadn’t even meant to say that much, but it was so easy to talk to Mal, what with years of history between us, and the fact that he knew Ankh nearly as well as I did.
“I don’t mean to dump all this on you,” I said.
Mal scooted a little closer on the mattress, and kept his hand folded over mine.
“I understand,” he said. “I thought about that too, when all this… started. The last thing I want