pain floods my body with warmth, and the blood dripping down my face reminds me I’m human. Somewhere inside, I still have a heart. And right now, it’s pumping crimson through my veins into the crevices of my split skin.
I can’t focus on all that red because the irony is if I look at it too long, it will probably take me down faster than Jared ever will. I’ve always had a tendency to get a bit woozy around it. But if I take short, shallow breaths and focus on the soothing feeling of my fist on his bones, I can manage.
Jared takes my rage like he does this every night, never wavering for even a second, but it only serves to piss me off more. He seems like he’s getting high on it too. Punch, punch, thrust. We fight until we are both so bloody you can’t distinguish between the two of us. We’re exhausted, chests heaving, but neither of us will back down. I’d keep going forever, but Carson and a few of the other footballers eventually intervene, calling it a draw as they force us away from each other.
The low murmurs of confusion over who won ripple through the crowd, but Jared and I are still locked in a battle of wills, even as they drag us apart.
“She hates you.” He grins through bloody teeth. “She’s always going to hate you.”
I lunge for him, breaking free from the arms around me long enough to land one final blow. Knocking him out cold.
5
Kailani
Somehow, I’ve managed to survive the first week with only a handful of private meltdowns. I consider that a victory, but I still can’t shake this eerie feeling that it’s almost been too easy. Audrey is way too quiet for my liking, which means she’s definitely scheming, and Landon has been dutifully ignoring me since our spat in the pool house.
“That’s good, right?”
I blink at Courtney, my cheeks heating when I realize I must have said that out loud.
“You want him to leave you alone.” She grabs her foot behind her butt, stretching out her hamstring. “He’s a total dirtbag.”
“Yeah,” I choke out my agreement. “He is.”
Honestly, I wish I could be as certain as Courtney sounds. But the worst part about not remembering what happened is that I still question my own sanity, even after all this time. Most days, I’m mad as hell. This grudge I bear has kept me warm, but there are still moments when the doubts creep back in. What really happened?
It’s a rabbit hole I can’t venture down. The only thing I know for certain is the bone-deep truth that doesn’t waver. What happened at that party isn’t me. No matter how much alcohol I had, it doesn’t make sense. I’ve been trying to play it off as though it isn’t a big deal. Like losing your virginity to two guys could totally happen to anyone. But it still feels like a big deal to me.
“Stop picking yourself apart.” Courtney drags me away from the mirror in the locker room. “You look great.”
“Really?” I smooth my hands over the red and black sequined dance dress. I haven’t been able to shake my nerves all day. It’s the first game of the season, and I feel like I’m going to throw up.
“You need to stop worrying about what they think.” She bounces up onto the toes of her clean white shoes, warming her body in preparation.
“It’s not about them,” I insist.
But it is. It’s always about them. Because they make me feel small. Insignificant. I’m just the collateral damage from their fun and games. They want to see me crumple and fall. This is their domain, and as far as they’re concerned, I’ll never be worthy of breathing the same air.
“Twenty minutes until showtime.” Coach Lopez pops her head into the girls’ locker room. “You ready to do one last run-through?”
Courtney offers me an encouraging smile as I nod. “Let’s do it.”
We follow Coach out to the empty gym. Outside, the crowd is going wild for BMA. They are winning just as expected. Everyone is so pumped this halftime routine should be a cakewalk. But high school football isn’t just entertainment in Black Mountain. It’s a religion. Or cult, if I’m more accurate. You’re either dedicated to the cause, or you’re against it. When I walk out onto that field tonight, I’ll be breaking the status quo. Everyone expects to see a legacy’s daughter. They’ll anticipate the same old routines they