“Carson?” Jared perks up beside me, smoothing his hair back like he’s trying to look casual. Except he’s totally not casual at all. He seems… flustered.
“Hey.” Carson nods at us, but his body is so stiff, I’m beginning to wonder if rehab turned him into a mannequin.
Apparently, he’s back now. His eyes are clear, and he looks different. Good different. Like he’s finally taking care of himself. I don’t think I’ve seen him sober since I returned to BMA, and it’s a little weird. In fact, this whole situation seems awkward for all of us.
“I didn’t know you guys were here.” He stuffs his hands into his pockets and glances around. “I just had an appointment next door. I was going to grab a coffee. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
His eyes dart from me to Jared, and I don’t think it’s my imagination that his cheeks seem a little flushed. They are both acting so nervous I’m not sure what to make of it.
“It’s alright.” I offer him a reassuring smile.
Carson and I still have a lot to talk about. I wasn’t in a place to listen to him before, but I am now. And I want him to know that.
“Okay, well, uh…” He hesitates, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. “Kail, would you mind if we talked for a minute?”
“Sure.”
Jared gets up out of his seat. “I’ll go grab us some coffees. Americano, right, Carson?”
Carson’s eyes widen in surprise. “Yeah, thanks.”
“Just a hot chocolate for me,” I tell him. “Thanks, Jared.”
He jerks his chin and walks away, leaving me alone with Carson. I don’t know him all that well, and after everything that’s happened between us, I’m not sure how to navigate this situation. He sits down, leaving an empty seat between us, and we both try to speak at the same time, laughing when we glance at each other.
“Sorry, you go first,” I tell him.
“Okay.” He drags a hand over his face. “About that night, I want you to know—”
“Nothing happened between us,” I finish for him. “I know.”
His shoulders relax, and he nods. “Something about that whole night feels off. I’ve been trying to figure it out.”
“Me too,” I admit.
Silence falls between us, and I’m not sure what else to say.
“And in case there was ever any question in your mind, I just wanted you to know I was never into you,” he adds.
“Um… thanks, I guess.” A strangled laugh gets caught in my throat.
“I don’t mean it in a bad way.” He glances at me apologetically. “It’s just, I’m into guys, not girls.”
“Oh.” I was not expecting that. But Carson looks so relieved I don’t interrupt him as he rushes to get the rest out.
“I already told Landon. I’ve told a few people actually, and I wanted you to know I was never a threat to you. In fact, it was always the other way around.”
“What do you mean?” I ask.
“I was so jealous of you.” He chuckles, a little embarrassed. “Ever heard that saying you can’t help who you love? Well, that was me with Landon.”
You and me both, buddy. I want to tell him that, but I don’t.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” I offer him an apologetic smile. “That must have been hard for you. But if you’re open to it, maybe we can try our hand at being friends going forward.”
“I’d really like that,” he says.
I’m fidgeting with the empty Starburst wrapper in my hands, wondering where we go from here, when he lowers his voice and speaks again.
“As your new friend, I know it’s not my place, but would you please just talk to Landon? He cares about you, Kail. He’s totally freaking out right now because he can’t find you.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea—”
“Kailani Hale?” A nurse appears from the hallway, and I immediately forget everything else as I brace myself for the news.
“Yes?”
“Alexa is asking to see you now.”
“Hey,” I whisper a strangled greeting as I take in Alexa’s pallid face.
She’s wearing a hospital gown, warm blankets weighing down her legs as she clutches a bedpan in her hands. Before the nurse disappeared, she warned me Alexa might have to vomit again. Then she left me with Alexa’s parents, who are now waiting outside in the hall. They both looked horribly distraught, and it was difficult to witness. It’s obvious they care for their daughter very much, which only makes everything more confusing. Why would Alexa try