thought…” God, why was this still so hard? “I thought he was going to try and have sex with me, so I told him no. He was upset but didn’t go any further. Instead, he kept pushing my head into his lap and putting his erection to my mouth, trying to coax me to…you know…” I felt so small, so embarrassed sharing this with him, yet in other ways, I knew I needed to get it out. That day had been trapped inside me for years, and it was like a weight was lifted off as I set it free.
Jake’s jaw was tight, his words tense when he asked, “Did he stop?”
“He did, but he was angry. He told me I’d led him on, that I was a tease, that if I liked him, I would have done it, and…I mean, I did like him, so maybe I should have, but—”
“No,” Jake cut me off. “You shouldn’t have, not if you didn’t want to. That doesn’t make you a tease. You’re allowed to like someone but go at your own pace, even if you never want to sleep with them at all.”
My whole body froze, and all these little pieces began to fit into places inside me that hadn’t fit before. It was crazy how that could happen, how someone could say exactly what you needed to hear, something you knew subconsciously but didn’t let yourself believe, yet hearing it opened you up to the truth. That was what it felt like then. But it was a lot in that moment, too much, and I was a little overwhelmed by it.
I went to turn away, but Jake reached out, cupped my face. His eyes flared as if maybe he wasn’t sure he should touch me, but I rushed out, “It’s okay.” I wanted him to touch me, loved that he cared what I wanted.
“Saying no doesn’t make you a tease,” he reiterated.
Colton had been horrible to me after that. It was part of the reason I’d applied for college here. He’d been miserable to me at school, calling me names and making me feel so small and broken for not wanting him. No one knew, not even his friends, because why would he admit he’d tried hooking up with me? But he would sneer at me in the hall in between classes, and when our families got together, he’d make snide comments quietly so no one would hear. Even the looks he gave me made me feel uncomfortable.
“I know I should be over it by now, but—”
“Says who? There’s no time limit on pain. Anyone who tries to tell someone else how to deal with their struggles, or that their trauma is wrong, is an idiot. Traumatic experiences are different for everyone, and we all handle them in our own ways. There is no set reaction, Seth. It’s been years since I laid eyes on my dad, but if I saw him again, I can’t promise you I wouldn’t respond badly. I still feel guilt every day of my life for letting him hurt my mom. I don’t know if I’ll ever be over it, so I’m the last person to ever tell you it was time to get over something.”
When his thumb began brushing back and forth over my cheek, I realized two things—Jake was still touching me, and I was crying. I’d never told anyone what happened with Colton, and Jake wasn’t telling me to get over it and wasn’t making me feel like there was something wrong with me.
I closed my eyes, leaned into his warm touch—both gentle and strong. It felt so good, I wasn’t surprised when a little whimper escaped. My eyes jerked opened, embarrassment rushing through me, but he just smiled. “Do you want me to hold you?” Jake asked softly, and I went. I curled into his side, and he wrapped an arm around me and held me close. “This helps? You like this?”
“Yes.” I nuzzled into his chest. “Makes me feel safe.” Cared about. “I’ve always been too affectionate.”
“I don’t think there’s such a thing as too affectionate.” His chest vibrated beneath my cheek.
“I’m sure this is weird for you…”
Jake rubbed his hand up and down my arm. “Nah, maybe it should be, but it’s not. Feels good, actually. Took me a few days to come to terms with that and figure out what it meant. I always wondered about myself, if maybe I was bi or something, but I’ve never…”