meals with friends! – but not so interesting to be off-putting. He can’t adequately project if you give him too much information.
Maybe have a perky question on there or a quirky fact about yourself as a means of prompting conversation. Have you ever got a Blue Peter badge? Have you ever broken a world record? What’s your favourite album right now? Do you worry constantly that you’re going to die alone because online dating is so soul destroying and essentially treats human beings like fucking items you can go shopping for and you worry the only people left on here are the ones who are too fucked up but does that mean you’re also too fucked up and maybe you’re in denial about it? Hang on, not that last one. Don’t ever put that last one in, whatever you do.
* * *
Josh: All right Grets? I’ve decided to call you Grets. Is that OK?
Gretel: Absolutely not.
Josh: Shit sorry.
Josh: I really am sorry.
Gretel: Chill. I’ve just been in back-to-back meetings all day.
Josh: Oh, thought I’d pissed you off ;)
Gretel: Takes more than that.
‘Who you messaging?’ Katy asks, the next Monday, pushing her keyboard away, signalling she wants a chat. ‘Is it Simon?’
I smile kindly and realise the smile is authentic. To be fair to her, she has left it a whole week before asking what happened with him. The suspense must’ve been killing her.
‘Simon is no more.’ I shrug and actually mean the shrug.
‘Oh, shit, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have …’
‘Don’t worry. I’m fine. This is someone new, Joshua.’ I point to my phone.
Katy’s eyebrows raise. The eyebrow raise says, ‘Another one? Already?’ But her voice just squeaks: ‘Oh, exciting! How did you meet?’
‘We’ve not met yet. We’re just messaging.’ I stand up. ‘Coffee?’
She nods. ‘Yep, great.’
I wave to Matt to get his attention. He’s on shift and has his headphones on to drown out the office chatter. ‘Coffee?’ I mouth. He gives me a double thumbs-up.
Katy and I clatter over to the kettle and lean against the countertop as we wait for it to boil.
‘Well, it’s great that you’re putting yourself out there again,’ she says, in what I’m sure is a means-well way. ‘My sister went on, like, two million dates before she met Darren. She said modern dating is all about throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks.’
‘I thought the saying was throwing shit?’
She laughs. ‘Same thing?’
‘Same thing.’
We go about spooning sugar granules into mugs.
‘So, tell me about Joshua,’ she prompts, pouring water into the cafetière.
‘There’s not much to tell. We’ve just been messaging.’
‘You have a photo?’
I pull his profile onto the screen and show her.
‘Oh, he looks nice! He has a kind face.’ She commandeers my phone, taking it fully off me and flicking through the rest of his snaps. ‘Oh, he’s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, that’s cool.’ I nod. I guess it is. ‘Oh, he looks quite hot in this one.’ I lean over and nod again, non-committal. I’ve hardly looked at photos of Josh. Past Me would’ve closely studied each one for any insights into his soulmate potential. Psychoanalysing every atom of every photo. Wondering what climbing Mount Kilimanjaro means about his childhood, and wondering if getting that out of his system means he’ll now be ready to be a good father or something. Now, since my epiphany, I can see the photos with detachment. I look at the Mount Kilimanjaro pic and bet he cannot believe his fucking luck that he gets to put that on a dating profile. I imagine how great he feels every time a new match says, ‘Mount Kilimanjaro? Wow, cool’, and he can then talk about how amazing it was, and how important it is to push yourself. If I’m ever to love someone who has climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, I will love the person who does it and yet never, ever, tells anyone. Maybe they’ll quietly tell me on their deathbed. ‘Oh, yes, darling, something I forgot to mention. I climbed Mount Kilimanjaro once. Yeah, in the dead of night. Didn’t want anyone to see me. No, never took any photos. It was cool, I guess, but it didn’t change me as a person. I was just bored one day and happened to be in Kilimanjaro so I thought I may as well.’
That man, I would marry that man in an instant.
Though he wouldn’t marry me because I’m not Gretel enough.
Katy pores over the rest of the collection Josh has put together to convince women he’s worth a