I don’t see any reason not to start right now. So I sit up in bed, the sheet sticking to my stomach with sweat. I lean over and pick the phone up from the floor where it’s charging, squinting as my eyes are hit with its white light. I turn the brightness down and re-download the dating app I deleted after my third date with Simon. But this time I set up a different email address for it, and, when asked for my details, I type out a different name.
? Gretel’s Guide To Getting Your Guy
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Feeling lost in love? Trapped in a powerless cycle of endless dates? Desperate to finally have a man drop the big L?
Hi, my name’s Gretel, and I’m here to help you finally cross the finish line. All you have to do is pretend to be someone else … Me.
You see, I’m just your regular everyday Manic Pixie Dream Girl Next Door Slut With No Problems. i.e. Exactly what all men want.
I’m a high-worth woman who is independent but still really needs a man Only when he’s in the mood to feel needed that is. When he’s not in the mood to feel needed, don’t worry, I’m off backpacking somewhere and whoops-a-daisy he misses me now. Who would’ve thought? I have such a strong character, but don’t worry, it’s not too strong. It includes things like having a dirty laugh, and standing up for refugees. Don’t panic, I don’t stand up for anything that makes him feel personally uncomfortable because he’s slightly guilty of being problematic in that way. I won’t go all ‘strong’ on him about sexual violence, or the pay gap. Nah, I’ll stick to Malaria, or homelessness, or something.
I’m excited to wake up every morning. I have such a fabulous life, filled with exciting but non-threatening things, and he feels so lucky to be part of it. My resting face is serene. I glow. Everything about me just glows.
I don’t really nag, because I don’t get upset by the stupid stuff. He never has to worry about upsetting me because I’m never insecure. However, every so often, I will lightly whimper on him, just so he can feel manly when he snuggles me into his arms. He’s so good at comforting me about the mild thing I’m upset about that doesn’t freak him out or make him feel helpless. I won’t have PTSD from a rape or an eating disorder or anything – I would never get raped, that’s totally not my thing. And I won’t have any serious mental health problems that require patience. I don’t even get PMS because I’m on hormonal contraception so he also never has to use a condom. What a win.
I’m feminine, of course. Not in an obvious, insecure way. We’ve established already that I’m not insecure. How repulsive, for a woman to be insecure. Not me! Where were we? Oh yes, I’m feminine. Don’t worry, I never take too long to get ready. I’m naturally beautiful. I don’t realise it, of course, that would be egotistical, but I’m also confident in how I look. I’m feminine in an effortless way. I’ll randomly shove on some flowery dress and I’ll reek of womanliness so much that the flowers may just float off my dress and follow me around like Pocafuckinghontas.
I’ve got an edge to me though. I can totally be one of the guys. In fact, he loves to bring me out and watch how well I fit in with them and how they all look at me and wish I was their girlfriend. I make the perfect crude joke. I have an interest in whatever boring-as-bollocks sport he’s into. Not because I’m pretending to – I actually find it interesting.
I’m one of those people who will wake him up one morning and say, ‘let’s go on an adventure’ with a glint in my eye, and both our passports in my hand.
I’m not a pushover, that’s important to note. I won’t let him walk all over me. I completely and utterly know my worth, and, if he doesn’t show me the respect I deserve, I will let him know it. Somehow I manage to do this in a magical mystical way that never feels like ‘nagging’.
My cool job means I have money, so I don’t need him in that way. But, I don’t have a silly, intimidating amount of money. Maybe just the same as him, ideally a tiny bit less.