Poison & Wine - Melissa Toppen Page 0,61

it. But I didn’t. And do you want to know why?” She stares at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue. “Because of you.”

“Me?” One of her eyebrows shoots up in question. “All I did was give you a place to stay.”

“But you gave me so much more than that. Can’t you see? You are what I’ve spent the last four years fighting for. And now here you are, standing in front of me again. I would rather die before I fuck this up again.”

“What do you want from me, Jace?”

“What I’ve always wanted. I want you. All of you.”

“You hurt me.” Her voice is so low I have to strain to hear her words. “I can’t just let you back into my life like that.”

“But you already have.” She draws back, confusion marring her beautiful face. “I’m back in your life whether you want to admit it or not. Or have you already forgotten about the other night? How you begged me to take you.”

“I was drinking.”

“That’s no excuse and you know it. You wanted me just like I wanted you.”

“It doesn’t matter what I want!” Anger suddenly laces her voice. “Even if I could forget everything you put me through, it’s not just me.”

Now it’s my turn to be confused…

Is she talking about me? And if so, how is that at all relevant when I already told her what I wanted? Or is she afraid that if we try again and it doesn’t work out, that she’ll drive me back to the bottom of a bottle, or worse, at the end of an empty syringe?

“It’s too late, Jace.” Her voice catches in her throat. “I can’t take the risk.”

“Yes you can.” I take a step toward her but immediately stop when her eyes meet mine. Something behind their green depths is telling me not to move another inch.

She stares at me for a long moment, indecision weighing on her face.

“I’ve loved you for over half my life.” A tear slides past her thick lashes and trickles down her cheek. Fuck if it doesn’t take everything in me not to go to her and wipe the damn thing away. “But there’s too much at stake now. We’re not the same kids we used to be. I can’t risk everything I’ve worked so hard for on the possibility that you will stay clean. I can’t spend my life questioning your every move, wondering if every time you leave you’re going to relapse. I can’t let you take me down with you. Not this time.”

“Oak…” Her name is a plea on my lips.

“I meant what I said before. You can stay here as long as you need. But what happened the other night, it won’t happen again. This can’t happen.” She gestures between us. “I care about you and I want to do everything I can to help you, but I won’t go there again. As much as I want to, as much as I wish I could, I can’t.”

“Are you sure that’s what you really want? To give up on us?”

“You gave up on us long before I did, Jace.”

“No, I gave up on me.” I close the space between us in three long strides, taking her hands in mine. She tenses at my nearness but doesn’t pull away. “Never you. I would never give up on you. You are the only reason that this is still beating.” I lift her hand and flatten it against my chest where I know she can feel the thud of my heart against my ribs. “You own this, Oakley. You own me. You always have.”

Her watery eyes dart between mine and she drags her bottom lip between her teeth.

I can tell she wants this. I can feel it in my bones. But something is holding her back. I just wish I knew what that was and why.

“I wrote about you every day because you were all I thought about every day. Every morning when I opened my eyes. Every night when I closed them. You were my first and last thought. Sober. High. It didn’t matter. It was always you.” I release her hand, but to my surprise she keeps it pressed to my chest. Reaching out, I trail the back of my hand down her cheek, the way I used to always do. “I don’t know how much or what parts of my journals you read, but I can promise you that those words are my truth. I wrote them for myself