Poison & Wine - Melissa Toppen Page 0,17
to protect your child. Things that may seem wrong or deceitful. But at the end of the day, that little girl is all that matters.”
“You’re right.” I blow out a breath.
“But I have to ask, are you sure that’s all there is?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, is it just the Ellie thing that’s got you all in that head of yours or is there something else?”
“Like what?”
“Like, I don’t know. That maybe you still have feelings for him.”
“I don’t,” I deny immediately. “Don’t get me wrong, I’ll always love Jace. But what we had was over a long time ago.”
“Yeah but saying it’s over and it actually being over are two very different things. You can’t always dictate what your heart wants. Most often times it doesn’t listen.”
“What are you implying? That I still want to be with him?”
“Well, do you?”
“Of course not. He’s an addict. He’ll always be an addict. It was different when it was just me. I could handle his ups and downs. But I have Ellie to think about. And what she needs is stability. Not a father who is going to bounce in and out of her life because he values a needle over his own flesh and blood.”
“But what if the drugs weren’t a factor?”
“But they are.”
“But what if they weren’t? Would you feel differently?”
“You know I would. If drugs weren’t a factor, I never would have left. Jace was my whole world. You saw what walking away from him did to me.”
“So let’s say, hypothetically, that rehab sticks this time. Let’s say he’s still clean six months from now, or a year from now, do you think that would make you feel differently?”
“Why are you asking me all these questions all of a sudden? Last time I checked, you were as anti-Jace as they came.”
“Still am. I don’t think he’s good for you, or for Ellie, but something has been off since you went to see him. You’ve been quiet, in your head. Lance has noticed too.”
“So that’s what the twenty questions is about? Lance?”
“Yes and no.”
“You’re going to have to give me more than that, Keira.” I cross my arms in front of myself.
“Lance is a great guy, and as much as I wanted you two to get together, if your heart’s not in it, maybe you shouldn’t string him along.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?” I draw back like she’s physically slapped me across the face.
“No. That’s not what I’m saying. I just… I’m worried about you. I know the effect Jace has had on you. That’s why I thought it was a bad idea for you to visit him. And I think I was right.”
“Maybe you were. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to see him. But what’s done is done. I can’t go back and make a different choice.”
“Then tell me, honestly, how are you feeling? And I mean really. Since you’ve seen Jace.”
“I don’t know.” I uncross and re-cross my arms.
I don’t know why she’s bringing this up now. I told her everything that we talked about and how he looked the day after I saw him. I’m not sure what else she expects me to say.
“No judgements,” she reassures me. “I know I’m not the easiest person to talk to about this particular subject, mainly because I want to murder the guy for what he did to you, but I’m here for you and I want you to know that you can tell me.”
I consider her words for a long moment before deciding that it might actually do me some good to talk to her about this.
“When I went there, a part of me expected for all those feelings to be gone. I thought that when I saw him, the four years that had passed would have somehow lessened the effect he had on me.”
“But it didn’t?”
“Not even a little bit. I felt the same way I always did. Excited. Jittery. Overwhelmed. It’s like even though my mind knows it’s over, my stupid heart still beats like it belongs to him.”
“Maybe because it still does.”
“Keira.” I glare at her.
“I’m just saying, you can’t help who you love. Does that mean I’m hoping for some miraculous reunion, no. In fact, I’m hoping he falls off the face of the Earth.” She smiles. “No offense.”
“None taken.” I chuckle.
“I guess my point is, you’re going to feel how you feel and there’s not much you can do to change it. But don’t bottle it up inside, either. Don’t push away