Poison - Jade West Page 0,55

was Maya once. I was the scared woman with a baby growing in her belly and no idea how she was going to exist in this world.”

I’d heard this before. I’d felt this before.

I’d hated the man who’d left her to bring me up without ever knowing my name.

And I couldn’t be him.

I couldn’t be that man.

She carried on talking and I was listening. I couldn’t not.

“You aren’t going to be your father,” she hissed. “I didn’t bring you up for that. You’re going to be the dad your father never was, and you’re going to make it work. You’re going to make it work, son.”

I was shaking my head and the tears came.

“I can’t,” I cried. “I can’t do it. I love Anna!”

“And you’ll love the baby you’ve created with Maya. Believe me, Lucas. You’ll love that little soul more than you love your own. You just have to try your best now and leave your mistake behind and make a brand new start.”

I was still shaking my head, but she didn’t stop.

“You’ll make a new start with Maya,” she said. “Or you’re a worse man than your father was, Lucas. You’ll be a pitiful excuse of a man who isn’t worthy of either of those women.”

I believed her.

I believed her because it was true.

I was a pitiful excuse of a man who wasn’t worthy of shit in that moment.

I definitely wasn’t worthy of Anna.

It was killing me inside as I opted to take the course that would rip my heart in two and Anna’s along with it. I called Maya up and met her the very next day, and I told her I’d try to be there and try to be the man she needed and the father I’d sealed the deal to be.

She was so happy as I told her I’d give us a go that I was sick to the stomach all over again. She threw her arms around my neck and once again she smelled of black cherry and the sea, and that acorn kept on tumbling down the mountain and it was already so caked in snow that my fate was well and truly sealed.

I was waiting for Anna when she walked through the front door after her trip away, and my stuff was already gone.

I knew she was forgiving, and loving, and everything I didn’t deserve, and I knew I couldn’t give her a hint of how broken I was too.

I needed her to hate me and carry on living her life, and curse my name whenever she thought of me.

I needed her to run away from me and never even try to reach out and ask me why.

So I choked it back. I choked it all back and pretended this was what I wanted. Pretended I’d been thinking it out and it was so much more than one stupid night and one stupid mistake.

Even through her broken screams her eyes were full of love, and I had to hold it back so fucking tight and get out of there before I begged forgiveness so hard I’d never make it through the door.

Never make it to Maya.

Never live up to being the man my mother had made me into.

I knew it needed to be bad, and unforgiveable.

I knew I needed to be the biggest cunt who’d ever lived.

So I laughed.

I laughed at Anna’s pain as she broke in front of me, and I swore I’d hate myself as long as I lived.

And then, when I was sure I’d destroyed our world beyond all repair, I walked away.

Chapter Twenty-One

Anna

I listened to his words without interrupting.

I felt his pain and regret and cried along with him and let it all sink in. It was a beautiful hurt, but it was tragic. It was so tragic, it broke my heart in a thousand new places.

“I’m sorry,” he said and his forehead was pressed to mine all over again. “Please believe me, Anna. I’m so fucking sorry, you’ll never know.”

I did believe him, and it didn’t make what he’d done hurt any less, or make it any more okay, but I felt it all as the truth.

My mind was piling up the questions, letting them spin, and I hated Maya just as much as I’d always hated her, but I had forgiveness for her predicament.

“What happened after that?” I asked. “I mean, Millie is only five… what happened to the baby?”

He didn’t pull his forehead from mine.

“She lost it. Miscarried.”

I sobbed fresh and he wrapped me tight