Poison - Jade West Page 0,30
Have my dick all you like, just know that I’m sorry.”
“A one off,” she said. “This is a one off, remember?”
I laughed. “This is already a two off, remember?”
She didn’t laugh along with me. “It’s a very long one off. This weekend and then it’s see you later. Farewell. Enjoy the next decade.”
I don’t think either of us truly believed that, but she wanted to. I didn’t fight her resolve, just shrugged.
“Sure thing. We’d better make the most of it then, hadn’t we?”
But she was done. Spent and bristling and fighting off whatever burst of hurt was blooming down deep. I’d no doubt there would be a lot of it.
“Take me home, please,” she asked, but I shook my head.
“Sorry, but I can’t take you home after a fuck ton of wine.”
“Call me a taxi, then,” she pushed, but I shrugged again.
“It’s expensive and pointless. I’ll take you home in the morning, I’m on my way in anyway, just rest up a few hours.”
“Ah, yes,” she said. “Some massive high flyer at GCHQ now, aren’t you? You must be there for about four a.m.”
“I’m a director of security and cryptography. Hardly some massive high flyer, and hardly four a.m.”
She stubbed her cigarette out and filled her sports flask up with water. I watched her fingers fumble with her bag from the floor and pull out a tray of tablets.
My gut struck up with another pang, and my words kept on coming.
“What’s going on with your epilepsy?” I asked her. “How long have you been having it?”
She smirked but shook her head. I didn’t get the humour in it.
“Like you give a shit about my epilepsy.”
But I did. I gave one hell of a shit about her epilepsy.
She was guarded to the max, that thick shell of her, and I hated it. I hated every scrap of protection around the most beautiful parts of Anna Blackwell and her stunning, addictive soul.
“Fine, don’t call me a taxi,” she cut off before I could carry on with my thread. “Let’s just fuck off to bed and you can drop me home in the morning before the world is awake enough to see us together.”
At least she’d be in my bed for the night.
She took her meds and I let the dogs out, then grabbed myself a water and got the lights on the way upstairs.
I noticed how she turned her head to stare for a few seconds at one of Millie’s Daddy paintings stuck to the wall and cursed inside that she wouldn’t let me open up to her about the whys and the wherefores, not even a little.
I washed up in the bathroom, hoping she would join me, but she didn’t. She held back until I was finished then took her own turn. I was already sitting up in bed when she came through, armed ready with her bottle of water for the bedside table when she threw the covers back on the other side and climbed on in.
“Goodnight,” I said, but she said nothing, just settled down with her back to me.
I flicked the lamp switch off, then couldn’t sleep, churning over things to say and staring at the ceiling like a total moron, lost. I despised myself for my fucked up life choices, and despised the universe along with me for how one fucking mistake can cost you everything, snowballing like an acorn on Everest until your whole existence is smashed beyond reason.
Fuck me, how that snowball had kept on rolling.
Fuck me, how I wished I could really apologise for it and have her listen.
“I’m sorry,” I said again, quietly, knowing full well she was still listening, bristling just as hard in the darkness as I was.
“Sorry means shit,” she said back. “It will never mean anything from you. Not to anyone else anyway, even if it ever did to me.”
She was right on that front. I couldn’t imagine anyone in her entire circle ever doing anything but spitting in my face before trying to stab me.
I heard her sigh. “Not that it will ever mean shit to me, either. It won’t.”
She must have finally been half asleep when she inched her way closer and laid her head on my chest. I was anything but half asleep as I shuffled down and pulled her closer, pressing my lips to her hair and breathing her in.
“I’m sorry, Anna,” I said, one last time, but this time it was a whisper.
And this time she was breathing so deep and so steady there