Please Don't Tell - Laura Tims Page 0,74

the one you want them to be on. A talent I’m discovering.

Is this something he could do? Did he set up a little path that led me to his bedroom?

No. I’m nothing like him. I’ll only use this power once. So everything can go back to the way it was. I’ll make it up to her.

She’s wavering. Everything’s still going to happen exactly how I want it to.

“No,” she says suddenly, startling me. “I’m not doing this. You’ve done enough for me, Grace. I’m not making you do anything for me ever again.”

Wait. No. “I want you to—”

“I have to do what’s best for you for once. Not just what’s best for me in disguise.”

Everything is unraveling. There’s a fresh note of resolution in her voice. Panic seeps into me. “This . . . this is important for you to do. I love you and . . .”

“I love you, too.” She looks at me for a second with all of it in her eyes, and I have to stop breathing. “That’s why I’m not going.”

I was wrong. I don’t have any control over her. Or anyone. Just like I had no control over him, or myself. I’m still helpless.

If my sister doesn’t protect me from my demons, they’ll ruin me. I won’t be able to go back to school, I won’t get into college, everything that was worthwhile about me—

Will disappear.

“Grace?” she says.

I’m ice. I’ll stay ice forever. Cryogenic. Frozen in time before anything can catch up with me.

But Joy’s fire. Fire grows and flickers, changing all the time. Devouring other things in order to get bigger. None of this will affect her for long. She’ll go on with her life and leave me behind. She’s always leaving me behind.

I want her to stay frozen here with me.

“Everything you said this summer about breaking me out of my shell, that was selfish, too, wasn’t it?” I say in my new ice voice. “You just wanted me with you so you’d feel comfortable doing the crazy stuff you wanted to do. You wanted me in the background so you’d feel safe fucking Cassius.”

Her eyes open wide. The part of me that cares is locked outside.

“You never cared about protecting me.” I can’t stop. “I was just there as a safety net. So you got to be the brave one. That’s always been the point of me, being this background that you get to stand out against.”

She hasn’t moved an inch. Good. Now we’re both frozen.

Trying to be different is dangerous. People only change for the worse.

She opens her mouth, shuts it again. Then she backs out into the hallway. It’s the first time in her life she hasn’t slammed the door after a fight. She closes it so gently it’s like she’s shutting a dead person’s eyes.

I stay in my room while, three miles away, the rest of the world celebrates the fact that Adam Gordon was born.

Then, at two a.m., while I’m lying awake, my phone blows up with Cassius Somerset’s name.

I didn’t know what adam was doing that night I swear. I just found out. I’m so sorry.

I am so sorry grace.

My fingers shaking, I text back. what are you talking about?

adam just said.

I punched him and Im going to do worse than that.

Im going to kill him.

whatever you heard. forget about it.

I shouldnt have listened to him. Your sister was there. she should have stopped it.

She should have checked on you. I should have checked on you. jesus Im sorry.

Does your sister even know? is that why she came tonight?

joy is there? joy went to his birthday party?

She came to his birthday party and got fucking drunk. what is wrong with her?

is she okay? has she talked to him?

cassius answer me. is my sister okay?

don’t let anything happen to her.

you have to make sure nothing happens to her.

NINETEEN

October 26

Joy

THE NEXT MORNING, NOVEMBER’S EDITORIAL is all over school.

I read it three times.

WHY I DIDN’T TELL WHEN ADAM GORDON RAPED ME

When I was little, I thought I knew what strength was. It was a powerful person, fighting bad guys. Everyone understands that kind of hero. They’re in every story. The police officer, the soldier, the warrior princess, the rebel. Heroes protect people, slay the enemy beast, climb the perilous mountain.

But what happens when getting out of bed in the morning takes as much energy as climbing a mountain? When going to school feels like jumping into the villain’s pit of rattlesnakes? When the enemy’s nothing you can shoot an