The Pillars Of The Earth Page 0,340

him," Jack said.

"I must."

"You'll be miserable."

"I'm miserable now."

"Look at me, please?"

She turned to face him and raised her eyes.

"Please tell me why you're doing this," he said.

"Why should I?"

"Because of the way you kissed me in the old mill."

She dropped her gaze and felt herself blush hotly. She had let herself down that day and had been ashamed of herself ever since. Now he was using it against her. She said nothing. She had no defense.

He said: "After that, you turned cold."

She kept her gaze lowered.

"We were such friends," he went on remorselessly. "All that summer, in your glade, by the waterfall... my stories... we were so happy. I kissed you there, once. Do you remember?"

She did remember, of course, although she had been pretending to herself that it never happened. Now the memory melted her heart, and she looked at him with tearful eyes.

"Then I made the mill do your felting," he said. "I was so pleased that I could help you in your business. You were thrilled when you saw it. Then we kissed again, but that wasn't a little kiss, like the first one. This time it was... passionate." Oh, God, yes, it was, she thought, and she blushed again, and began to breathe fast; and wished he would stop, but he would not. "We held each other very tight. We kissed for a long time. You opened your mouth-"

"Stop!" she cried.

"Why?" he said brutally. "What's wrong with it? Why did you turn cold?"

"Because I'm frightened!" she said without thinking, and she burst into tears. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed. A moment later she felt his hands on her heaving shoulders. She did nothing, and after a while he gently enfolded her in his arms. She took her hands from her face and cried on his green tunic.

After a while she put her arms around his waist.

He laid his cheek on her hair-her ugly, short, shapeless hair, not yet grown back after the fire-and stroked her back as if she were a baby. She wanted to stay like that forever. But he pulled away from her so that he could look at her, and he said: "Why does it make you frightened?"

She knew, but she could not tell him. She shook her head and took a step back; but he held her wrists, keeping her near.

"Listen, Aliena," he said. "I want you to know how terrible this has been for me. You seemed to love me, then you seemed to hate me, and now you're going to marry my stepbrother. I don't understand. I don't know anything about these things, I've never been in love before. It's all so hurtful. I can't find words for how bad it is. Don't you think you should at least try to explain to me why I have to go through this?"

She felt full of remorse. To think that she had hurt him so badly when she loved him so much. She was ashamed of the way she had treated him. He had done nothing but kind things to her and she had ruined his life. He was entitled to an explanation. She steeled herself. "Jack, something happened to me a long time ago, something truly awful, something I've made myself forget for years. I wanted never to think of it again, but when you kissed me like that it all came back to me, and I couldn't stand it."

"What was it? What was the thing that happened?"

"After my father was imprisoned, we lived in the castle, Richard and I and a servant called Matthew; and one night William Hamleigh came and threw us out."

He narrowed his eyes. "And?"

"They killed poor Matthew."

He knew she was not telling him the whole truth. "Why?"

"What do you mean?"

"Why did they kill your servant?"

"Because he was trying to stop them." Tears were streaming down her face now, and her throat felt constricted every time she tried to speak, as if the words were choking her. She shook her head helplessly, and tried to turn away, but Jack would not let her go.

In a voice as gentle as a kiss he said: "Stop them from doing what?"

Suddenly she knew she could tell him, and it all came out in a rush. "They forced me," she said. "The groom held me down, and William got on top of me, but still I wouldn't let him, and then they cut off a piece of Richard's ear, and they said they would cut him more."