chest worse. I wanted that feeling to end, to finally be gone and never come back again.
I reached up and wiped away her tears, careful not to move any of the tubes coming out of her nose like the doctors said. Except she wouldn’t stop crying. She’d never cried this much before, and my heart had never hurt this bad before. It wasn’t easy seeing and feeling her this upset, unable to do anything for her. Unable to stop the pain that always took her away from me.
“Momma, don’t cry. Please … everything is going to be alright, you’ll see. I promise. I’ll protect you. I won’t let anything happen to you. Your Little Man is here with you.”
I spent day and night by her side these past few days, even though I wasn’t allowed to sleep at the hospital. The nurses knew I had nowhere else to go, so they let me stay.
“Baby, more often than not when people get sick, it’s because God has other plans for them.”
“What kind of plans?”
“Plans you won’t understand because you’re just a little boy.”
“I’m a Little Man, Momma. I’m your Little Man.”
“I know, baby, I know.” She slowly placed her arm around me, and I snuggled closer to her cold body. Her skin felt frozen like ice, not like the warm, soft heat I was used to every night.
With a huge, deep breath that I felt in my tummy, she added, “But even my Little Man won’t understand this. Because, Aiden, I barely understand it, and I’m not seven-years-old.”
“I’m almost eight,” I reminded, smiling through the pain. “My birthday is coming up, and all I want is for you to get better. That’s all I’m wishing for, Momma. Nothing else.”
“Aiden … I need you to listen to me. I need to have faith that you’ll be okay without me. Because this is all I have left to give you, baby.”
“Without you?” I frowned, looking up at her. “Where you going?”
“I’m going to Heaven, baby. And one day we’ll be reunited. I promise, Aiden. I promise you’ll see me again. I swear it.”
My heart sank. Tears started forming in my eyes. “But I don’t want you to go to Heaven. Stay with me, Momma. Just stay with me. I don’t care if you’re sick. I’ll take care of you like always,” I cried right along with her, unable to control the feelings I’d never felt before. My whole body hurt so bad.
“I love you so much, baby. Don’t ever forget that. Not for one day.”
Why did it feel like she was saying goodbye?
“Then I’ll come with you to Heaven. If that’s where you’re going, then that’s where I’m going too. We’ll go to Heaven together.”
“Baby, as much as I love you … you can’t come with me.”
“Why not? I wanna go to Heaven with you, Momma. Just take me with you … please…” I bawled, feeling like my heart was exploding in my body like the fireworks on the Fourth of July. Except this wasn’t fun.
I couldn’t control my tears, and I didn’t want to. She had to understand I needed to go with her.
She couldn’t leave me behind.
I’d be all by myself with no one to love me.
“I promise I’ll take care of you in Heaven, Momma. I’ll be your Little Man anywhere we go. As long as we stick together, everything will be fine. You and me against the world, remember?”
She caressed my cheek. “You can’t come with me, baby.”
I pulled away suddenly angry, snapping, “You can’t leave me, Momma! That’s not what mommas do! You said that at the park! You said mommas don’t leave like dads do! That’s what you said! Remember? That’s what you told me!”
“Aiden, please calm down.”
“No! You can’t leave me! It’s you and me against the world! That’s what you’ve always said to me! Remember?! That’s what you’ve always said!”
“I will never leave you,” she choked out, coughing over and over again.
I threw my arms around her neck, holding onto her as tight as I could. Showing her, she wasn’t leaving me. I wouldn’t let her, she’d just have to take me with her.
Momma, you’re all I have.
You’re all I’ve ever had.
Her breathing came out in quick, short puffs, like she couldn’t catch her breath. Whispering, “I will always…” she gasped for air. “Be here for you… Just because.” She started coughing, gasping for more and more air. “You can’t … see me, doesn’t mean … I’m not here.”