Phoenix Flame - Sara Holland Page 0,20
me and that’s all that matters. For a second, all I can think about is how much I’ve missed her.
Then the rest of it comes into focus, the jumpsuit and dead eyes, and the hope crashes down. But I force myself to hold my mom’s gaze, to smile, because things are different this time. I’m not helpless. She doesn’t have to protect me from the truth anymore. I lean forward as she slumps down on the chair on the other side.
“Maddie,” she says. “It’s good to see you. How’s Havenfall? How’s Marcus?”
She sounds exhausted, her voice scraping out of her throat. I tell myself that’s a good sign. Better tired than totally affectless. “He’s … fine,” I say, and have to stifle a despairing laugh at how disconnected we’ve become, how much I’m not telling her. I hate lying to her, but when we only have a half hour before the guards turn off the intercom, there’s no time to waste, not when there are things I need to say. “Mom, I have to tell you something.”
She blinks. I guess that’s all the acknowledgment I can expect, so I go on, lowering my voice. “I know Nate was taken … I know what really happened to him.” It feels strange and shocking, even still, to say those words out loud.
Finally, a spark of life. Mom’s eyes widen for just a second before snapping back to blankness. “What do you mean?” Her inflection is robotic, even more so than usual.
“I found out about the silver. The soul trade.” It’s hard to keep my voice down so the guards won’t hear; I want to yell the words, let them spill out. “I know the truth about the Solarians. That they’re not evil. That Nate was one. Is one.”
Finally, Mom reacts, rocking back in her seat. Her eyes are round and alert. Her hands come down to grip the edge of her chair.
“He might be alive, Mom.” Hope feels like a balloon inflating inside my chest, pressing against my ribs. It’s almost painful. “I’m going to try to find him. And take down the soul trade. I know why you said you killed him, but you don’t have to lie anymore.” A bit of a laugh escapes me. “I know you wanted to protect me from the traders, but trust me, I made enemies of them all on my own.” I take a deep breath, trying to cram all the complicated feelings I have into the short, simple words. “Take it all back. Tell everyone you’re innocent. Please. I need you alive, Mom, not dying to protect me. I need you to help me find him.”
The change that’s come over her is complete. It’s like she woke up, like I’m looking at a different person. Her eyes are big and bright, her back straight, her lips parted. But the expression on her face—I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect guilt.
“I didn’t kill him,” she says. “But it is my fault.”
The words are pins in the hope balloon. The painful pressure vanishes, replaced by an even more painful vacuum. “I don’t understand,” I say blankly.
“I failed,” she whispers.
I think of her name on Marcus’s list of “hosts,” and my heart breaks a little. Of course. It was her responsibility to protect the Solarian boy she adopted; of course she blamed herself when he was kidnapped. I think of how guilty I’ve felt for all these years simply because I stayed frozen in the cupboard during the attack. How much worse must it be for Mom?
“It’s okay,” I say. “I’m going to make it right.” Never mind that I have no idea how. “Do you know who kidnapped him? What are their names?”
She shakes her head. “Maddie, you can’t take them on alone.”
“I’m not alone,” I promise her, and pray that that turns out to be true. “I have Marcus. I have Brekken, Graylin, Sal—”
“They’re more powerful than that.” Mom drops her head. Her eyes have a haunted look, like she’s lost in memory. “There was a reason Marcus and I worked in the shadows. We didn’t want anyone we loved to get hurt. But even that wasn’t enough to keep you kids safe.” She raises her head and fixes me with a look that feels almost like a glare. “I don’t want you playing hero with the soul traders. They’re dangerous.”
“I know that,” I say, trying hard to take even breaths and stay calm, not wanting to draw the guards’ attention.