sure you aren’t any more of an angel than I am. So why don’t you focus a little more on your own fuckups and leave me to think about mine, all right?”
She opened and closed her mouth like a fish, and for a moment, looked like she wanted to punch me. Hell, I probably would have let her. With a comment like that, I probably deserved it.
But I never promised anyone I was a nice guy. The best I could offer was saying sorry afterward. That was, after all, why I was here.
Gargoyle lady apparently couldn’t bear my presence long enough for her weekly dose of absolution, however. She jumped right out of line and scurried out of the church, muttering something to herself in Spanish that I couldn’t make out. I was pretty sure it was no better than anything I’d said.
The door to the confessional opened, and another parishioner stepped out, crossing himself. I took his place, for the eighth time in as many weeks. Sank to my knees, faced the screen, and ignored the smell of stale cedar and incense that threatened to consume me. This wouldn’t take long. After all, the priest already knew the story. I’d been telling the same one for weeks and weeks.
About the woman I wanted but couldn’t have.
The sins I’d committed but could never repent.
The future I craved but could never produce.
I could talk all I wanted, but I knew it wouldn’t save me. Because you can’t have grace without true repentance, and I could never truly regret anything Nina de Vries and I did together.
Still, it couldn’t hurt to try. I’d keep coming back, going through the motions until something clicked.
Except now that I knew I might see Nina in just a few days, I was pretty sure those motions were going to get about ten times harder.
“Matthew,” droned the familiar voice of Father Deflorio. “Causing an unusual stir today, aren’t we?”
“Yeah, well. It’s an unusual day, Father.”
There was a long sigh from the other side of the screen. “Why don’t you tell me about it, then?”
I crossed myself and took a deep breath. “Sure, all right. Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. Or at least, I’m pretty sure I’m about to.”
II
Paesaggio
Then
Chapter Nine
August 2008
A bird was chirping at the window. Not a pigeon or sparrow, which wouldn’t be particularly notable for New York City. This one had a higher cheep, a pretty little warble that whistled through the air, chipper and light as the summer breeze on the balcony outside Nina’s rooms, left open through the night while she tried to sleep through nausea and heartache.
She turned on her pillow to find the bird hopping along the sill of the open window as if dancing to its song. It was yellow—a goldfinch, maybe. Pretty and bright. Impossible not to notice.
“Hello,” Nina murmured.
The bird cocked its head skeptically.
“I know,” Nina replied. “I barely recognize myself these days either.”
At the sound of her voice, the bird emitted another dancing song, then flew away, leaving Nina alone again with the ambient noise of cabs, pedestrians, and the general roar of the city twenty stories down. This morning felt different, she realized, than the last forty-two or so. Vaguely, she wondered why.
She still wasn’t used to this apartment. Of course, Nina still wasn’t used to much of anything about this situation. The fact that a small part of her trust became available upon her marriage had been a surprise to everyone, something her grandfather had set up for future progeny before they were even born. Everything else was off-limits—married or not—for another ten years at least, according to the board.
But immediately after that surreal day at St. Mark’s, the executor of Grandfather’s estate had pulled Nina and Calvin aside and handed them the deed and keys to a penthouse on Ninety-Second and Lexington Avenue. Calvin had swept them up with the glee of a child finding an extra toy at Christmas. Nina had simply blinked and nodded. And they had moved in directly after their “honeymoon” weekend on Long Island, during which Nina had spent most of her time trying not to vomit.
Normally she found this space oppressive, like the whole building was weighing down on her despite the fact that they occupied the entire top floor. But this morning, everything seemed lighter. It took her a few moments to realize what was different. But when she did, she laughed out loud for the first time in weeks.