Perfect Tunes - Emily Gould Page 0,51

making eye contact with the dudes in the front row, giving one of them fuck-me vibes and then icing him completely, ignoring him and moving on to the next one. She started to have fun, and then she started to feel downright euphoric. By the end of the set, she felt like she was at the dawn of a new era in her life, one where she could do this every night that someone would let her get up on a stage.

She was so adrenalized after the show that there was no way she was about to sleep. Fortunately the after-party took over the entire group house afterward, so she couldn’t have slept if she’d wanted to. She had been determined to get up early, get on the Chinatown bus, and get back to see Marie as soon as possible, but before she realized exactly what was happening she’d had several beers and no dinner and even a bump off a key held by a sweetly solicitous group-house resident named Jeremy who couldn’t have been much older than eighteen. He seemed to think there was a chance that he could hook up with Laura, which meant that he somehow didn’t realize that she, though temporally twenty-six, was in fact dozens of light-years older than he was. The attention was flattering, though, and Laura let herself be led into his bedroom. On a lumpy mattress she allowed herself to be pawed at while experiencing no real feelings except bemusement, and even a little bit of purely physical happiness. She let him kiss and suck her boobs, suppressing a laugh when she thought about how the last person to have done so was Marie. But she kindly but firmly cut things off when he tried to venture toward her belt buckle. Then she went to go see if the party had died down enough that she could get her couch back.

Callie intercepted her with a red SOLO cup full of mostly vodka, and said she had to come up to the roof with them now. The hot day had dissipated into a sparkling night, now nearing dawn, and the dimmer lights of the smaller city allowed several stars to peek through. She and Callie lay down next to each other and looked up at them.

“I’m so excited we’re back together,” Callie said. “This feels so right. It’s what we always dreamed of, and it’s finally coming true.” It was clear that she was drunk. Sincerity was not her usual mode.

Laura thought about her actual dreams, which she had almost forgotten existed, and which did not include Callie. In them, Laura was the only one onstage, playing and singing her own songs, traveling around free of all encumbrances.

She shook her head to dispel this fantasy. She had only committed to this one show; she still wasn’t sure whether she had it in her to do more. It was both gratifying and irritating to know that for the past three years, every time she had tried to dismiss the feeling that there was something she was missing out on, she had been right. She had missed a lot of nights on roofs, meaningless kisses, red SOLO cups, and flickers of hardworking transcendence in a sweaty spotlight. What she had done instead seemed distant at this moment. She wanted to pine for the weight of Marie’s little body automatically cuddling into hers as they watched TV or read stories, but she couldn’t quite summon it. It had taken only twenty-four hours to forget. The moon shone down on the rooftop like a spotlight.

* * *

The Chinatown bus ride was excruciating; every bump (there were many) reverberated all the way up her spine to the crown of her head. She tentatively sipped a Vitaminwater, but her mouth remained dry. It was exotic to be so hungover. She had almost forgotten what it felt like. The novelty wore off quickly.

Still, she felt a surge of excitement as the bus emerged from the tunnel and the bustle of Canal Street was suddenly visible through the windows; she was home, where she belonged, and in less than an hour she would be reunited with Marie.

She wolfed an eggy pastry and a supersweet tea at a Chinese bakery, then took the Q to Union Square, transferred to the L, and waited an annoyingly long midday wait for the G. She felt too tired and sick and nervous to read the magazine she’d brought, so she played a game where she