The two men smiled at each other – are they flirting? I thought. Oh, for goodness’ sake! – and then the police officer turned to me.
‘I’m sorry,’ he said again. ‘I really need to go. I don’t think this footage is very helpful, to be honest – it’s just not clear enough. But I’ll show it to the high-ups, OK? Someone will be in touch.’
And then he was gone. As I left the gym, it began to rain; the sky looked bruised, pale with angry violet patches. The weather had turned cold again over the past few days, and I shivered as I trudged towards home, Albert tugging on his lead by my side: I hadn’t had the heart to leave him behind again. Suddenly, I felt desperately alone. Yes, I had my beloved dog, and I could call Tai or Clare, I knew that, but otherwise … I was on my own. When Danny had been around, I’d never felt lonely, even in a new city where I hadn’t yet had time to make many friends. But now …
Even the press had gone, having not returned since they vanished the day before, the street quiet and empty when I’d tentatively opened the lounge curtains earlier. Relief had swept over me at the time, but now I felt curiously abandoned. How had things ended up like this? How could a life, a nice, normal life, unravel so quickly? Less than two weeks ago I was so happy – a new home, a lovely husband, a steady freelance income, and now …
How would I ever be able to trust a man – trust anyone – ever again? Would I … oh God! Would I now even ever have children, become a mother? The thought slammed into my brain with such force that I almost stumbled, reaching out to the nearest lamp post for support, leaning on it heavily, my breathing suddenly laboured. Albert whimpered, looking up at me anxiously, and across the street, a man walking briskly along with his dog slowed for a moment, staring at me, then sped up again, his Labrador pulling at the lead. I stood there for a minute, staring at a stain on the pavement, trying to focus, trying to calm myself. Children. It was the first time I’d really thought about that, since Danny had disappeared. We’d talked about having children, talked about it more than once, but I was only thirty-four, and we hadn’t felt the need to rush into anything.
‘We have time,’ Danny had said. ‘Sure you’re only a spring chicken. Let’s give it a couple of years, enjoy being married for a bit, buy a house, get properly settled. Then – babies!’
I’d agreed, happily. I knew plenty of women who’d fallen pregnant in their late thirties, even early forties. It would be absolutely fine. But now … the police, no matter what I said, no matter what evidence I tried to show them, still seemed to think that I had killed Danny. They clearly didn’t have enough to arrest me, not yet. But what if somehow they did, eventually? What if I went to prison? It could be for years. Or, even if that didn’t happen, if I got through all this, what if I never met anyone else? What if Danny had been it, my one chance of love, of happiness, of a family? What was wrong with me? How could I have been so stupid, so gullible? There must have been warning signs, there had to have been. How could I have missed them? And – the thought suddenly struck me for the first time, and I gasped, horrified – what about diseases? If Danny had been sleeping with other people, possibly many other people … I needed to get tested, didn’t I? Find a clinic, where I’d have to tell them. Tell them that I strongly suspected that my husband had been unfaithful to me, and possibly with multiple partners.
Albert whimpered again, pawing at the leg of my jeans, but I ignored him, my mind racing, yet another thought striking me. How was I going to cope financially, if Danny really was dead, if he really wasn’t coming back? I made good money, and I could probably afford the rent on our current house on my own, just. But to save for a deposit, to buy a house, to have a secure future … it was over now, all of it. A