done something to stop him, and I didn’t … as the years passed, I began to hate myself for that. And I mean really, really hate myself. So much so that it started to … to consume me, Gemma. I thought about it all the time, the shame, the guilt … even if I’d let him do that to me, why had I let him do it to her, to my mother? Why didn’t I protect her, when I was old enough to fight him back? Was I that much of a coward? I was, and she knew it too. She knew I was a coward, and she hated me for it as well. She still hates me. She’s never forgiven me for the way I let her down.’
I thought back to how Bridget had reacted to Danny’s disappearance, how disinterested she’d seemed, and then to how she’d been with him on our visit; his pathetic eagerness to please his mother, and the coldness of her response. He was right, she’d never forgiven him, I thought, and my heart, already rent in two, shattered a little bit more for both of them, these two broken people, who needed each other so desperately but, for whatever reason, couldn’t find a way to help each other through their living hell.
‘I was always told I was the spitting image of my father,’ Danny was saying. ‘Even you said that, when you met him, remember?’
I gave a small nod, remembering. Donal had indeed been an older, greyer-haired version of Danny.
‘But that used to make me feel sick, when people said that. I’d think: “No. NO! I’m nothing like him, I’m nothing like that bastard”. And then … then, Gemma, I started to realize that I was. I was like him.’
I stared at him.
‘What do you mean?’ Danny had never been violent. I couldn’t even imagine him hitting a woman, or anyone come to that.
‘Not the violence,’ he said, as if reading my mind. ‘But … the other stuff. The women, the shagging around. Even from the first time I found myself a girlfriend, I couldn’t settle for more than a couple of weeks. Always looking, always on the prowl for the next one. And I knew I’d got that from him, Gemma. I was like him, and I hated him for that, so much. But I hated myself more. And then … well, then I met you, and I thought, finally. Finally. I loved you, Gemma, and I knew you loved me, and I thought, this is it, this one’s different. This one, I’m going to marry, and I’m never going to stray, and I won’t be like him, not anymore. It’s over, and I’m going to win.’
He banged a fist on the table again, hard, and something flashed in his eyes, and as if in response I felt a hot spark of anger.
‘Except you didn’t, did you? You didn’t win, Danny. Because you carried on, didn’t you? You married me, but you still carried on. You even joined a dating website when you were married to me, for fuck’s sake.’
His eyes met mine, and his shoulders slumped.
‘I know,’ he whispered. ‘I tried. I tried so bloody hard. But it was like a sickness, Gemma. An addiction. Out of my control. I just couldn’t do it. It was only now and again, after we got married, I promise, only the very odd time. But I couldn’t … I just couldn’t stop. And I’m so, so sorry about that. You’ll never know how sorry I am.’
I exhaled heavily, shaking my head. What did any of it matter now?
‘Look, why are you telling me all this? What does any of it have to do—?’
He held up a hand.
‘Please. I’m nearly there. You’ll understand when I … anyway, as the time passed I got more and more angry. The hatred, for him and for myself, for what he’d made me … it was like a living thing, Gem. It was eating me alive. All I could think of was why didn’t I do something, why didn’t I stop him? I even dreamed about him, dreamed about going back to Ireland and finally doing what I should have done all those years ago, finally giving him the punishment he deserved. And then … and then …’
He swallowed, his eyes fixed on the table in front of him.
‘And then he died. And it was too late.’
There was a long silence. I stood watching him, waiting, and unexpectedly, I felt