any sleep.
“Old man!” Apollo called. “Have you seen fifty cows walking this way? Possibly led by a very lightweight giant with size twenty-five shoes?”
Battus winced. He was no good at lying. Apollo could tell immediately that the farmer was trying to hide something.
“I might add,” said Apollo, “that I am a god. It would be a very good idea to tell me the truth.”
Battus heaved a sigh. “It was a baby.”
Apollo frowned. “What, now?”
Battus told him the story, which was so weird Apollo decided it must be the truth. Apollo knew of only one newborn god. He’d heard rumors that the Titan Maia had given birth last night on Mount Cyllene. (Apollo always tried to keep up with the latest gossip.) It seemed unlikely that a newborn child could be responsible for a cattle theft three hundred miles away, but Apollo himself had started singing and dancing as soon as he came out of the womb, so it wasn’t impossible.
He flew down to Maia’s cave and woke up the mama Titan. “Your kid stole my cows!” he told her.
Maia rubbed her eyes. She looked at baby Hermes, still lying in his cradle, swaddled in blankets…though his belly did look a lot bigger, and was that a dribble of A.1. Steak Sauce on his chin?
“Uh, you must have the wrong baby,” Maia said. “He’s been here all night.”
Apollo snorted. “It had to be him. Look at the steak sauce on his chin! My cows are probably stashed around here somewhere.”
Maia shrugged. “You’re welcome to look.”
Apollo tore through the cave, searching inside pots, behind the loom, under the bedrolls. Amazingly, fifty cows were not hidden in any of those places.
Finally Apollo marched to the baby’s cradle. “All right, kid. Fess up. Where are my cattle?”
Hermes opened his eyes and tried to look as cute as possible. “Goo goo?”
“Nice try,” Apollo grumbled. “I can smell the beef on your breath.”
Hermes stifled a curse. He knew he should’ve eaten some breath mints.
“Dear cousin Apollo,” he said brightly, “good morning to you! You think I’ve stolen some cattle? Can’t you see that I’m just a baby?”
Apollo balled his fists. “Where are they, you little punk?”
“I have no idea,” Hermes said. “How could a little guy like me hide fifty cows?”
“Ha!” Apollo cried. “I never said there were fifty!”
“Ah, tortoise poop,” Hermes muttered.
“You are under arrest for thievery!” Apollo said. “I’m taking you to Mount Olympus for the judgment of Zeus!”
Apollo picked up the entire cradle and flew off to Mount Olympus. When he set the cradle in front of Zeus and explained that this newborn baby was a cattle thief, the other gods started giggling; but Zeus silenced them.
“This baby is my son,” Zeus said. “I’m sure he’s capable of anything. Well, Hermes, did you steal Apollo’s cows?”
Hermes stood up in his cradle. “No, Father.”
Zeus raised an eyebrow. He casually picked up one of his lightning bolts and tested the point. “I’ll give you a moment to reconsider your answer. Did you steal Apollo’s cows?”
“Yes, Father. But to be fair, I only killed two. The rest are safe and sound. And when I slaughtered the cows, I sacrificed the first meat to the gods.”
“And then you stuffed yourself!” Apollo growled.
“Well, I’m one of the gods, too!” Hermes said. “But all of you got a portion, of course! I would never forget to honor my relatives.”
The gods muttered among themselves and nodded. The baby might be a thief, but at least he was a respectful thief.
“This is ridiculous!” Apollo cried. “Father Zeus, he stole from me. Put him in juvie! Put him on the chain gang!”
Zeus suppressed a smile. He knew he had to be just, but he also couldn’t help admiring Hermes’s audacity. “Hermes, you will immediately show Apollo where you’ve hidden his cows. Then you will pay Apollo whatever price he demands for the two cows you killed.”
“I’ll throw him into Tartarus!” Apollo yelled. “That’ll be my price!”
Zeus shrugged. “You’ll have to work that out between yourselves. Now, off with you.”
Hermes sighed. “As you wish, Father. Apollo, you drive. I’ll navigate.”
Apollo picked up the cradle and flew off with Hermes. The baby god directed him to the secret cave where he’d hidden the cattle, but he took a roundabout route. He was furiously thinking about how he could avoid punishment.
When Apollo saw his missing cows, he calmed down a little bit, but he was still angry with Hermes.
“It’s Tartarus time,” Apollo snarled. “I’ll throw you so far into the abyss—”
Hermes pulled his lyre from
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