The Penalty Box (Vancouver Wolves Hockey #3) - Odette Stone Page 0,75
keep my nose out of his business.”
“So you married Charlie in name only?”
“Yes.” I avoided her gaze by picking up Sasha and cuddling the dog to my chest.
“This afternoon, it didn’t sound like it’s in name only.”
Our gazes clashed. “It’s complicated.”
“She adores you.”
I rubbed my forehead. “I can’t give her what she wants.”
“You already are giving her what she wants.” She raised her glass. “A home, family, friends. Tenderness, laughter. Mica, these are the things women want from their husbands.”
“I don’t want to be married.”
She shook her head sadly. “Your father and I are getting a divorce.”
My head shot up. She looked resigned. She shrugged deeply. “It’s time.”
“Time for what?” I put Sasha down on the floor.
“Time for us to put down our burdens of guilt and to stop punishing ourselves for all our wrongs. That is the only reason we stayed in that miserable marriage. Since we couldn’t stand each other, what better way to punish ourselves than to stay? It’s gone on long enough. We’ve done our best to punish ourselves and each other, and the time has come to lay down our swords. We are both tired of the battle.”
I shook my head, not understanding what she meant. “That’s why you stayed married? Out of guilt?”
“I felt guilty for abandoning you. He felt guilty about Nadia and for how all of that nearly destroyed you. He was so caught up in his own grief, he made you bear all the guilt.”
I stood up, feeling that sickening emotion take over me. “Don’t talk about that.”
She stood up too and reached out and grabbed my hand. “Mica. Please. You did nothing wrong. You were ten. And you got stuck with two parents who seemed incapable of doing anything but hurting everyone around them.”
Tears blinded my vision. “Stop.”
“Nadia was not your fault. None of this was.”
Just that name made my chest so tight, I thought my heart would stop.
“Mom.” My voice sounded so broken, I almost didn’t recognize it. “Please stop saying her name.”
She grabbed my arms. “I want you to heal. I want you to be happy. You married such a beautiful woman, and I think she loves you. Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be happy.”
I don’t know how to let go of that. Of my guilt. Of my desire to punish myself. “I don’t know how.”
“Just let go. Let go of all that pain.”
“It was my fault. How do I let go of that?”
“Mica, it was not your fault. You were ten. She was a grown woman. She made those choices that day, Mica, not you. She was your nanny. You were in her care, not the other way around.”
Memories—of so much blood, the crying, and, worse, the silence—washed over me. My heart pounded so hard as it came back to me. All of it. “I don’t deserve love.”
Her face fell, full of sadness and understanding. “You, out of all of us, deserve love the most.”
She picked up Sasha and patted my arm gently before disappearing to her room. I stood there for a long time, trying to process and reprocess what she had told me.
I moved to the bedroom and stripped down before crawling into bed next to Charlie. I hauled her soft, pliant body against mine, wrapping my arms around her and burying my face into her neck. This. I need this. She made a sleepy noise and sighed my name softly.
“Mica?”
I sighed in her skin, fighting all the emotions my mom had unwillingly ripped out of me.
Charlie laid her hand on mine. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head. “No.”
My answer pulled her out of her sleep. “What can I do?”
I worked and failed to keep the husky emotion out of my voice. “Let me hold you.”
She snuggled deep against me. “Is that it?”
“That’s everything.”
Chapter 21
CHARLIE
I had put a lot of thought into Mica’s Christmas gift and spent a couple of lunch hours shopping for it. It was a navy V-neck cashmere sweater. I watched in anticipation as he unwrapped it. He seemed touched and gave me a hard kiss and a long hug when he received his gift. I felt good about my gift until he gave me mine.
Mica bought me a car. A freaking brand-new, gray Porsche SUV. I exclaimed over it, excitedly took him and the dogs for a drive and thanked him repeatedly, but the truth of the matter was I felt, once again, like I had fallen short as a partner. I felt horrible that I hadn’t gotten him a